Fully Rely On God...FROG
That is where I am today. I am doing my best to fully rely on God. Joey and I went up to the hospital to visit the newest member of the Rodgers family. We didn't get to stay long because she was ready to eat a little more. :) I held her for just a moment. It felt really good. She was so warm. Until holding her I had not thought about the fact that Janie Beth was never warm when I held her. Actually she was really cold. After everyone left on the 30th and I was holding her, I even told Joey that I felt like I should bundle her up even more because she was so cold. Oh, how I miss her. I think I could have spent the entire rest of the day with the Rodgers. :) I am not sure I would have given them much chance to hold their own baby. LOL On our way home, and even now, I am longing to hold a precious warm baby. I would love to hold my Janie Beth, but I won't get to do that until I am in Heaven, so for now I will settle for holding the babies of friends until God decides to give us our own.
I believe that God surrounded me with pregnant friends to help me step forward. We went to the hospital. We held a baby. I cannot explain how the joy and sadness coincide through those experiences. The only way I did those things was by fully relying on God. We even parked beside the spot that we had to park in when we went in to have Janie Beth. There were no others. The walk inside was a little long feeling since my last walk through that parking lot I was carrying Janie Beth in my belly. As we walked up to where cars pull around to pick up patients, I pictured us carrying Janie Beth out to the car. I remember it like it was yesterday. The same security guard was even down there. The one that had to explain that it was ok that I was getting in the car holding the baby and not putting her in a carseat to a lady who was pushing a cart full of baby items.
It is sad to see the stark differences in my hospital stay and Julie's stay, but there are some differences that I am thankful for eventhough they are different because Janie Beth didn't survive. I got to have bigger room. :) And I was not constantly bombarded by nurses and doctors coming in and out of my room every 15 min. Don't get me wrong, I would love to have had to deal with those things! But, I am thankful that Julie and I have those differences because I would never want her to be walking in my shoes.
God is gracious to have given me a friend who gave me a huge hug when I went to visit her!!! She just about broke all my defenses by doing so. If I had had much more time in there with them I know the tears would have started falling, and they did after I left and as we walked to the car and came home. Tears for the fact that my journey is so different. Tears because Janie Beth wasn't warm when I held her. Tears that my arms wanted to still be holding a baby. Tears because my heart hurt. Tears of thankfulness for the Rodgers. Tears that I had made it through the visit and the return to the hospital. Tears that it was all over. Tears because tears are needed sometimes.
We went and visited Janie Beth before going up to the hospital. We brought her flowers for her vase. It looks really pretty. I do want to go pick some different flowers at Hobby Lobby, but these work fine for now. Her headstone is now in and it is very final feeling. Yet, it is so beautiful. I am thankful that now everyone can see who she is. I will get pictures uploaded and share them in a post soon.
We have had some beautiful sunshine here the last several days!!!! I am so thankful that God has graced us with it. The sunny days make me want to visit Janie Beth more. That sounds a little crazy, but it is the way I am. :) I look forward to the spring and being able to stay a little longer. We are even going to picnic there and walk around. It is weird to be teaching my children cemetary etiquette, but I pray that it will give them compassion for others.
I think I am going to be on the lookout for a special frog to remind me to Fully Rely On God. It is only through brokenness that I will learn how to truly live that way. I am thankful that God is breaking me. I want to love Him more genuinely. Abba Father, please continue Your good work in me. Help me love You more. Help me walk in love. I want to love my family the same way I love Janie Beth, without reservation. Lord, wrap me in You. Thank You for walking with me today!!! Thank You for Your grace!! May You continue to heal me and fill me. I will rest in You today. I love You. In Jesus' precious name I pray. Amen