I have done some things in the last week that would be considered steps forward. That is hard to write. Stepping forward feels like I am moving further and further from Janie Beth. I do not sleep with my pink lamb anymore. I actually held onto it longer than I needed to, but I didn't want to stop because that meant I was continuing to move on. I know there will be times that I will need to hold it, but I do not need it everyday anymore. That wrenches my heart out sometimes!!! I am not clinging to my baby girl anymore. Not that she needed me to let go of her so that she could soar. She has been soaring since she died. It is me that needed to let go so that I could soar, but I feel as though I am soaring with a broken wing.
I have gone to Wal-mart and storytime with just me and the kids. And I haven't had a breakdown, but that doesn't mean that the next time something won't get me and I will. But, I do wonder how I would do things if Janie Beth was here. I think about walking into the library with a stroller, and trying to carry her carseat and hold Eli's hand going into Wal-Mart. I look into the back of the van and picture what it would look like with Janie Beth added. When we went to Wal-Mart I looked in my rear view mirror and saw the headrest that would have a mirror on it if Janie Beth was here. There was a sting in my heart.
I guess everyday I am taking steps forward. That is bittersweet, but necessary.
I went out last night with some friends. I really enjoyed myself. Yesterday was a good day, so it wasn't as difficult to be around ladies with babies, one of which is only a day younger than Janie Beth. I carried Janie Beth there on my necklace. That hurts. I wish she had been there for others to see and talk about how adorable she is. It is crazy that I can move forward but still miss her so much. My love for her doesn't die as I leave her in the past. I just wish I had her in the present and future. The reality that I had a baby but don't have a baby hit me this morning. How the tense of a verb can change things! Often times, I don't realize how hard something is until the next day, or I let my thoughts run and self-pity and selfishness set in. Last night I determined before hand that I would walk in love and not think constantly about myself and my circumstances. But, then today I replay the whole scenario if Janie Beth had been there. Why do I do that to myself!?!
I am working on taking all of my thoughts captive to the obedience of Christ Jesus. There are times that I just want to feel Janie Beth and I let my mind picture her being here or the last weeks of pregnancy. I am so thankful that God gave us Christmas together!!!
I am trying to learn how to step forward without guilt, and learn how to enjoy the days even with Janie Beth's love in my heart. What a mess I probably look like on the inside! :) Thank You, Abba, that You can untangle the mess that is Michelle!!!
Today I will live for Jesus. I have been sent here not to do my will, but to do the will of the Father (John 6). I will crucify my ego and let Him shine through me. Father God, I lift up this day to You. May You lead me and guide me. Direct my steps, thoughts, and words. May You fill me and provide me with all that I need for each moment today. Thank You for friends who are willing to walk this journey with me. Thank You for a loving family! Thank You for my Beloved!!!! May You continue to use Janie Beth's journey to mold me into the woman, wife, and mother that You want me to be. Be glorified in me and through me today, Abba. Thank You for helping me step forward. May You continue to help me make sense out of myself and trust You in the things that I can't. I love You!!!! In Jesus' name I pray. Amen