Last night I read through my journal that I wrote after we found out Janie Beth would probably go onto Heaven. On November 19, 2009, the day we went to UAB, I went to the bathroom before we left and told God that I didn't understand, but I pray that He would be glorified through all of this. Little did I know the ways He would be glorified. Throughout those final weeks I prayed that God would be glorified through Janie Beth's life. I really wanted Him to be glorified by healing her. :) I wanted to be in control of the things that are only possible with God. Many are the plans of a man's heart, but it is the Lord's will that prevails. (Proverbs) Man, am I thankful that His will prevails despite my plans!! I do not even want to know where I would be if He always let me have my way. I continue to pray for God to be glorified through Janie Beth's journey, and through my journey as I walk this road without Janie Beth. I do not know where this road leads, but I do know that it is all being worked out for my good and His glory.
Twice now, God has brought me to passages about leaving all to follow Him. It takes a tragedy like this to really look at my priorities and set myself in line with God and His calling on my life, not the call I want Him to have on my life. My devotion this morning said it this way...
But because you have been shaken to the core, you see clearly that if you bling to your own plans and desires, you will never discover the freedom and joy found in losing your life for Jesus. (p. 52 of the One Year Devotion of Hope)
He is calling me to let go of my desires and seek His desires. This is not always easy to do!! But, my prayer is that I will walk worthy of all the callings that He has placed on my life. In order to do that, I must take up my cross daily and follow Him. Daily is one thing that I have learned on this journey. I must take it a day at a time, if I look ahead too far fear sets in and I try to take the reigns from God.
I took the reigns from God recently and He had to gently show me that I was being lazy and selfish. OUCH!! He is constantly having to remind me of my own words. I cannot tell Him that I do not want to walk this road because I do not know where it goes! God has done exceedingly abundantly above all I could ever ask or think through Janie Beth's journey and in my family, and I am so thankful that He will continue to do so.
One of the main focuses in our lives right now is finding the job that God wants us to have. God has provided for us in amazing ways over the last 15 months that we have not had a job. We have not gone without. Before Janie Beth we were praying for God to bring us to the church that He wanted Joey to pastor. Now, we are praying for Him to send us where we can do the most for His kingdom and where He will be glorified through us the most. It is not about my desires. I am here to point to the Potter who made me. God knows the desires of my heart, but He also knows what is best for me. To the kids it their desire to ride their bikes in the street, but in reality that is very dangerous on our road. The desires of my heart may actually be very dangerous in the grand plan of the Master. But, you know what!?! His plan will fulfill desires in my heart that I don't even know are there! The Spirit knows far better what to pray for me.
Abba Father, I am choosing today to let go and follow You. I will take up my cross today and follow You. I will cling to the promise that You are working all things together for our good and Your glory. May You continue to be glorified through Janie Beth's journey and through my journey. May You continue to go deeper than my pain and mold me back together. Thank You for knowing the deepest desires of my heart that I don't even know. Thank You for doing exceedingly abundantly above all I could ever ask or think in my life and in my family. Lord God, we are in Your hands. May You guide us on Your path. Bring our desires into one with Your desires. Fill me with You, Abba. May You be my strength for each moment and write my faith for each moment. I continue to need You. Thank You that the Holy Spirit continues to intercede on my behalf because the pain is still very deep. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen