I still miss her so much!! I wish we were buying her cute spring clothes instead of taking pictures of a headstone. Yet, I am so thankful that it is here. I love her and I want everyone to know who she is. This journey is still really hard some days. I take steps forward and then take twice as many backwards. God graciously picks me up and helps me forward again. He is Mighty to Save!!! I have had several moments lately. I got an invitation for a baby shower, and it hurt that we never celebrated Janie Beth. I cried. I am so thankful that MOMs club is having a celebration of Janie Beth for me. It means the world to me that others want to know about her and not forget! Watching my dear friend have her baby girl safely in her arms and knowing that she is home trying to adjust to life with 4 kids is hard. It brings a smile to my face for her, but a tear to my eye that it isn't me. I try hard not to compare, but it is hard sometimes and the sadness just fills me. As another mommy said on blog, I just miss her. Sometimes those are the only words to say. I just miss her! I say that quite often to Joey if he asks me how I am doing. I still long to hold her and kiss her and tell her I love her. But, I am thankful that she is with someone who loves her even more than I do. And He loves me too!!
Right now I am trying hard to let go and let God. In reality that means I am trying my best to trust Him and not try to control where God will send us. To make my desire about the Kingdom and not me. Everytime another place pops up as taking resumes I look at how it will affect me, my family, my time with Janie Beth, instead of looking at what God could do through me there. It is a slow process to let go of yourself and your ego. But, it is my prayer right now. It actually hurts in a way to become selfless. It requires God breaking you, and that is never easy.
This says it best: From http://titus2atthewell.com/
Have you ever heard of the “Teacup Story?” I have heard speakers tell it a few different times, but I am not sure who the original author is. Let me retell it, as best I can!
A couple walks into an antique shop looking for something exquisite to purchase and bring home. Their eyes immediately fall on the most delicate and lovely teacup they have ever seen.
As they were admiring the teacup, she spoke to them, sharing her story.
“I haven’t always been like this,” the teacup said.
“There was a time when I was a hard, ugly lump of gray clay. No one wanted me….except the Master Potter. One day, He picked me up and began to work me in His strong hands, molding me, pounding me, and rolling me in His grip.
I cried out, ‘Stop that! It hurts! It is too painful! Leave me alone!’
The Master Potter smiled gently and simply said, ‘Not yet.’
Then He put me on a wheel where I began to spin and spin and spin. I felt sick. I felt dizzy. I wanted to slow down. I wanted to get off! All the while as He spun me, He continued to shape me and mold me. I screamed, ‘Let me get off! Stop! Stop!”
But, the Master Potter just smiled and said, ‘Not yet.’
Finally, He took me off of the wheel. As I was admiring my new shape, the Master Potter scooped me up and put me in a large furnace. This oven was hotter than I could have ever imagined. I began screaming!
Help me! I am going to die! I can’t take it! Don’t you love me? I can’t survive this! Get me out!’
But, the Potter just watched through the glass. I saw Him kindly say, ‘Not yet.’
Just when I thought I would be destroyed from the heat, the Master Potter took me out of the furnace. I was relieved until He began to paint me. The paint was horrible. I began to choke on the terrible smelling fumes.
I cried out to the Master, ‘Please, please, please stop!’
He smiled gently and said, ‘Not yet.” And then, He put me BACK INTO THE FIRE!
This second firing was twice as hot as the first. I was certain that I would be destroyed in the heat.
I gasped, “Please let me out!”
The Master Potter simply said, ‘Not yet.’
After what seemed to be eternity, the Master took me out of the furnace and put me on a shelf to cool. It seemed like I waited and waited and waited for an eternity. It was then that I caught a glimpse of myself reflecting in a mirror.
I couldn’t believe my eyes. I couldn’t believe how much I had changed.
I was completely new. I was a totally new creation, looking nothing like I did in the beginning. The Master had transformed me. When I was a lump of clay, no one except the Potter would even give me a second glance. Now, after the pounding, the molding, the shaping, the spinning, the heating, the painting, and the waiting, I have become a beautiful, priceless treasure, sought after and desired by many.
I remember that as the Potter gingerly picked me up, He whispered, ‘Now you are what I had in mind when I first began you.’
I knew that I am a treasured possession.”
Sometimes it is excruciatingly painful as He molds us and shapes us and brings us to the fire. But, we must remember that He is molding us into the very image of His Son, Jesus Christ. We can never truly reflect the Light of Christ and His glory until God brings to completion the good work He begins in all of us.
Abba Father, may You mold me and shape me and bring me through the fire. Thank You for never taking Your eyes off me while I am in the fire, and for taking such care to make sure the little details of my life are just the way You want them. Father, please make me a true reflection of the Light of Christ and His glory! Thank You, Lord, for counting me worthy to be Janie Beth's mommy. You are so gracious. I love You!! In Jesus' holy and precious name I pray. Amen