3 months

Janie Beth would have been 3 months old today. I still miss her so much. I can almost feel her in my arms. It is like the wind. It is a glimpse of a feeling. It is like trying to hold the wind. My arms still ache for her. Her personality would have really been coming out, and she would have looked so cute in her spring clothes.

Not only are we on the 3 month anniversary of everything, but we are leading up to my birthday and Easter, which get to fall on the same day this year. Our first big holiday without her and my first birthday without her. She and Katie Jo would have had similar dresses for Easter, and Katie Jo would have been so proud.

But, she gets to celebrate the Risen Savior with the Risen Savior Himself!!!! How awesome is that!?! I will try to focus on that reality and not wallow in the fact that she isn't celebrating with me. I know she looks gorgeous in Heaven, much better than she would have looked here on earth for Easter.

I can't believe it has been 3 months already, but then it also feels longer. I feel as though the world is running on ahead beside me and I am doing my best to try to catch up. Katie Jo requested that I make muffins or pancakes for breakfast because it has been so long. :( I am making pancakes for lunch because everything was dirty, so the dishwasher is running right now. I feel like I am doing pretty well in my journey, but I can't seem to get back on our chore and washing schedule, or any schedule for that matter. Everytime I try something happens. That is the way life is!!! I want to find the skeleton of our schedule so that we aren't thrown for a loop when something comes up.

This week is going to be beautiful here in North Alabama! It has been wonderful being able to get outside. Like all things it is bittersweet because Janie Beth isn't here. There are times I watch the other 3 playing and I picture her being there too. From reading others blogs, I will always do that.

I really hope to get to the cemetary today. It is still cloudy right now, and I am not sure what the day holds, so I don't know if I will make it or not. I also want to right some thank you notes. It is horrible, but I am just now getting around to doing it! I have been so blessed!!!!!

Abba, thank you for allowing me to birth such a precious little girl 3 months ago. Please tell her I love her and give her an extra hug for me today. May You continue to hold me close and heal my pain. Only You can go that deep in my heart. May Your grace fill the cracks. Thank You for Your compassion, grace, and mercy. Thank You for hope! You are amazing! Thank You for chosing me to be Janie Beth's mommy!! I miss her so much, but there is no better place for her to be. :) May You please bless us and keep us this week. May You send encouragement my way this week. I love You. May You be lifted up and glorified through me today and this week. In Jesus' name I pray.

Praise

Praise is how to change my focus. When thankfulness is in the forefront of my mind the sadness fades away and the love invades. It is a wonderful feeling!

I went by Janie Beth's grave on Thursday, yes, in the rain. I have no idea why it always works out that I am there in the rain. :) I had to be down the block from her so I had to drive by. Grass is beginning to peak through the mud that covers her. I hadn't planned on getting out, but her garden flad was a little messed up so I jumped out for a minute. I am so greatful that we chose to bury her and have a place for her. It is comforting to go there. I hope to get out there soon on a sunny day and let the kids go. I really want to wonder the cemetary as the weather warms. It is so old and the history is amazing!!

I wonder what the stories are behind the people. This experience has made me wonder what the story is behind everyone. What kind of pain is each person holding? Why is that woman so angry? What is going on in his heart? People who look at me don't know my story, so I know everyone has a story and I wonder what it may be. Tragedy tears away the pretty walls that we put up to show the world. It makes life real. People can smile and say they are great, but look at their eyes. The eyes show what the heart really feels. I am trying to walk in love because I have no idea what is really going on in each person's life that I encounter or pass by each day.

Spring is so refreshing!!! The new life. The sun shining. Even the rain. I have come to enjoy the rain. Through the rain God has molded my life. Through the rain I have come to enjoy the Son. Through the rain I am cleansed. I am still in the rain as we are on a long journey, but the sun is poking through. There are rays piercing through the clouds. God is so gracious!!! I will praise Him through the storm. No matter where I am, He is there with me! :)

HEY

Just saying

HI!!!!!

I have been napping most afternoons so I haven't been on as much. I am hoping to start working on our routine next week and I will find when my computer time is. :) I know I have said we are going to work on our routine before, but now I am praying that God will guide and help our routine. I believe that will make all the difference. He can stick with things, unlike me.

Celebration

I had an awesome evening/night yesterday!!!! Some ladies in the MOMS club that I am a member of threw a celebration for Janie Beth. :) It was amazing!!! I love the chance to talk about her and share about her. I don't have little stories that I can share everyday of what she is doing so it is hard to bring her into everyday conversation sometimes. I loved being able to focus on her. It meant a lot to me to have others come to see pictures and here of her story. She is such an amazing little girl and I want the world to know!! :)

We started the evening by eating, of course. ;) Lisa had 22 pink balloons for us to let go for the 22 hours she was alive. She counted to 3 and we all said Janie Beth when we let them go. It was beautiful because it was getting dark but wasn't too dark so the moon was shining and the balloons going up. It looked like there were some pink stars after they got up far enough. Then, we all held a letter in her name or a picture of a heart on the steps of the porch and Lisa took a picture. They also gave me a frame with Janie Beth's name written in different ways!

We watched the DVD slideshow that we showed at visitation and the funeral, and then I talked about our experience. They asked some questions and I talked, which we all know I have no problems doing. :) I brought some of Janie Beth's things to show and share, and I brought a little scrapbook for them all to sign. I haven't read what they wrote yet, but I am thankful that they were willing to sign. I want to be able to look back 10 years from now and remember that special night!

They were gracious enough to have some wonderful gifts for me to remember Janie Beth by. Suzanne gave me a beautiful plant from Exotic Angel Plants called "Baby Jade". They had a collage of pictures printed up and framed. They had a butterfly released at Botanical Gardens in her memory and framed the certificate and picture of butterflies. A lady made a rosary with the birthstones of all my children. It was placed in a beautiful glass box inscribed with Janie Beth's name and a saying. I also got a locket keychain with her name inscribed on one side and the name of all my kids and Joey on the other side. There is also a little photo album of pictures. All the gifts came in a big pink basket that has 22 little roses on the handle for her 22 hours and 6 bigger roses on the rim for the 6 people in our family. There were 22 candles there and each person took one home to remember Janie Beth. There was also a vase with 6 pink roses in it for our family. And a stone that has little footprints on it and says Janie Beth's Garden. I can't wait to plant her rose garden!!! They also gave a donation to the NICU at Huntsville Hospital. I still cannot believe how much support they gave for them to be able to do all of this!!!! It warms my heart and brings tears to my eyes. God is gracious.

I was blessed beyond measure!!! Saying thank you doesn't scrape the surface of the thanks I have for them celebrating with me and caring. It was such a special evening and it will forever be a part of my memories. It was fabulous!!!!

I am so full of love for Janie Beth today. I think I may have a huge silly grin on my face for the entire day.

THANK YOU SO MUCH LADIES!!!!!!!!

Apology/Journey

I wanted to apologize to all those who didn't get to see the sun yesterday! After I typed I realized that all of you don't live in AL. :) I hope the Lord blessed your day regardless of what the conditions were outside.

I am paying for being outside the last 2 days. My allergies are in full swing. Rain comes in today and I am hoping that will clear them up some.

Today I am looking forward to a wonderful morning of worship. I pray that I will enter God's presence with worship and adoration, totally focusing on Him and all He is. So often I am too busy thinking about the rest of the day or who is there or the week ahead. We missed church last week and I can really tell when I miss. I miss God more the closer we get to the next Sunday. I know God is with me wherever I am, but there is something about worshipping with fellow believers. You cannot recreate that at home. I am very greatful for the church family God has provided for us during this time. He is so gracious and merciful and full of compassion.

We pray that we will be even more blessed by the next church the Lord deems us fit to be a part of. We look forward to all that He has in store for us. It is hard to trust sometimes when we can't see the end or the next step. When it feels as though God isn't moving on our behalf, I have to stand on His promises. He is working all things together for our good and His glory. He knows the plans He has for us. Plans to prosper us and not to harm us. Plans to give us a hope and a future. The promise that He is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we could ever ask or think. The fact that He will never leave us nor forsake us. He reigns and His plans cannot be thwarted by man!! His will will prevail and He will direct our steps. In the silence He is there!!! In the silence He is pruning us and shaping us and preparing us. In the silence He loves us. He trusts us with His silence because we will hold fast to Him.

Abba Father, may You show us that You are still here. May You show us Your power to save us. Thank You for Your word that tells us of Your promises!! Thank You for loving us and continuing to be with us and move in our midst and on our behalf. May You guide us in the next step to take on this road. I love You, Lord!!! Thank You for blessing me beyond measure. You are awesome! In Jesus' name I pray, Amen

Outside

Yesterday we went to the Dairy Farm. Very fun, but I forgot my camera!! Today we are picking up inside and outside and then spending the day outside. You should too!! Get off the computer and enjoy the wonderful sun the Lord has given us!!! Don't waste the day inside.

I know Janie Beth will be on my mind, as always, but I am so thankful she is enjoying an even more beautiful day in Heaven. I love you, baby girl!!!!!

I can't wait for our roses to bloom this year. They are pink!!! You bet wherever we move I will have various pink colored roses planted in our yard!! :) They say Janie Beth to me.

Turned a Corner

That is what I feel like I did last week after going by myself to the cemetary. God was so amazing that day!!! He touched me so deep in my soul and in my heart. It is something that I cannot explain. I feel as though God reached down and lifted me up. I am so thankful that I went that day.

The next day I woke up and decided that I would change my perspective and my attitude. Your attitude has so much to do with how you react to things. I decided that I was going to be thankful for the ways I can bring Janie Beth with me through each day and focus on what she has done for me instead of focusing on her not being here and missing her. I want to focus on my love for her instead of my longing for her. I want to look to Jesus and God and allow them to fill me with an attitude of gratitude. I want to cherish everything Janie has done for me and the many ways she touched me. It is a wonderful feeling to just love her; to let my heart swell with love. When I think of her it puts a huge smile on my face and sometimes brings tears to my eyes. She is so precious.

When I think of her in heaven, I think of how wonderful it is. She is seeing colors that I can't even imagine. She is in the presence of God!!!! She gets to sing with the angels. I can almost hear her voice. :) How precious!!!! I know she is beautiful. When I think of all that she is experiencing I realize that I would never want to bring her back here. Who would want to come here after experiencing heaven?? Who, Jesus!! Thank You, Jesus for being willing to come!!!!

Joey made an interesting observation shortly after Janie died. When Jesus wept on His way to Lazarus's tomb, perhaps He wept because He knew Lazarus would be coming back to earth from a wonderful place. He knew it was for the best, but His heart hurt for His friend. Can you imagine what Lazarus must have felt like coming back here?? If I were him, I would have been praying for God to take me back.

I feel like I did that Tuesday at her grave. I am in the midst of a storm, but it is ok because there is a huge ray of Sonshine piercing through the clouds and shining on my face. I know I will still have bad moments and days; things will get me that I never expect for the rest of my life, but I feel as though God is truly picking up the pieces and putting them back together in the way He wants them. He is filling the cracks with His grace. He is drawing me near in a different way. He is wonderful!!!!

God is so good.
God is so good.
God is so good.
He's so good to me.

He loves me so.
He loves me so.
He loves me so.
He's so good to me.

PRAISE THE LORD!!!

Thank You, Abba for being so good to me! Thank You for loving me and knowing exactly what I need. You are amazing! I pray that others will see You when they look at me. May You continue to have Your way in my life and mold me into the woman You want me to be. I love You!! Thank You for Heaven. Thank You Jesus for coming and dying for me and for my baby girl. Thank You for Janie Beth. Thank You for Joey. Thank You for Josiah. Thank You for Katie Jo. Thank You for Eli. Thank You for my family and friends. I am blessed beyond measure!! In Jesus' name I pray. Amen

JANIE BETH

That name brings a smile to my face and joy to my heart!!! :) :) Thank you, Karin!! Janie Beth is a precious little girl, my heavenly baby. I would love to get more name pictures if you think about it.

Tantrums

Anyone else throw a tantrum with God? Be honest. :) As I was laying in bed with Eli during a tantrum, (Yes, tamiflu does cause 10x more moodiness in a 2 year old than just being 2 does.) I started thinking about how God reacts to my tantrums. I believe He reacts in different ways depending on the cause and the person. Just like the same things don't work for each of my children, the same things don't work for each of His children.

There are times He patiently waits for me to finish and come to Him. I am thankful that He is more patient than me!!!

There are times He sits me in "time-out" until I am done so that He can teach me and change me. I am of no use during a tantrum.

There are times when I am disciplined, spanked. I have to pay consequences for my actions.

I have had every one of those reactions from God, and I am sad to say that I do believe some of my tantrums have lasted for way too long!! I believe that I have been in time-out for months before. How sad!?! Losing Janie Beth has made me turn to God more quickly. I turned to Him immediately upon finding out she would die. I had my moments of tantrums, but even since her death I have turned to Him. How else would I make it through this journey??? I need to feel His loving arms around me. I need to hear Him wisper to my heart. I need to know that He is here and that He loves me.

I pray that my tantrums become fewer and farther between and one day nonexistent. It pains me to hurt my Father.

Thank You, Abba, for all You are teaching me!!!! I am so thankful that You made me Janie Beth's Mommy. Thank You for counting me worthy to walk this road. My heart longs for her, but my heart rejoices that she is in heaven and I will see her again. Thank You, Lord Jesus, for that reassurance. Lord, may You tame my tantrums and help me grow up in You. In many ways I am just like a toddler. Thank You for Your patience!! I love You! May You continue to shine Your light in my heart. You are so good!! In Jesus' name I pray. Amen

My Mouth

Janie Beth has really made me look deeply at myself and how I am as a wife, mother, and woman. God has been showing me a lot!! :) We have really been working on being encouraging. There is one particular verse in Proverbs that really hit home for me.

Proverbs 15:14 A wholesome tongue is a tree of life, but perverseness in it breaks the spirit.

WOW!! To know that my tongue can be a tree of life, especially in my children's lives, and my husbands. I want to water my children so that they may grow strong and beautiful and not tear them down.

God has really been teaching me about how He is the Potter, and He used that even in this verse. He is the ultimate Potter, but He uses me to help mold my children. His hands gently guide my hands on the clay as it spins on the wheel. What pressure!?! I do not want to mess up. I want my children to grow into the people that God has called them to be. I do not want to stand in the way or make it harder for God. In order to be the apprentice, for lack of a better word, that God wants me to be, I must be in complete tune with the Boss. I must seek His face and read His word.

I am so thankful that Janie Beth has made me look deep within myself. She is making me see God and allow Him to mold me and search me and know me. It is amazing how He knows what I need. He knows better and more than me. This should not surprise me, but it does. How crazy!?!

I am praying for God to help me love and cherish my family. I want to love them and cherish them without reserve. It is sad that it took losing a child to realize that I wasn't fully loving the rest of my family. I can love her without fear because I can't lose her again. How sweet is that kind of love!?! It cannot be explained. I want that love for Joey, Josiah, Katie Jo, and Eli as well.

I had not applied this verse to me as a wife until typing it today. One of the main love languages for men is affirmation. (I will not admit that I almost typed affliction. :0 ) I need to use my words to affirm my husband and build him up. I should show respect with the way I say things. I am bad about making a statement (or demand) instead of asking. I should be showing my children how they should be talking to Daddy.

I do believe my tongue gets me in more trouble than anything else!

Father, please cleanse my lips and mouth. Make them a tool of encouragement and love and not destruction. May You mold me and change me according to Your will. Thank You for Your patience with me as I learn. May You guide my hands as I mother my children. May You instill in me love for Joey, Josiah, Katie Jo, and Eli. Thank You for being the best example of how to be a helpmeet and parent. You are amazing and good!!! I love You! In Jesus' name I pray. Amen

My little lumps of clay and their Janie Beth animals... :)

On the mend

We are on the mend at our house!! YEA!! Another day or so and I hope everyone is ready to be on the go again. We are hoping to kind of get back into our routine today around the house. A routine that we are still trying to find. I hope to get back in the swing of things on the blog this week. I miss my writing!

I guess I should get us moving since it is 8:15 already. I have trouble getting moving when we first change the time this go around. I do fine at night, but the morning is rough! I do not feel like it is after 8 already!

How will Janie Beth go with us today?
There is a pink rose (pretend) that sits on the stove in the kitchen.
Her pictures are up in the house.
Many days I wear a necklace with her picture on it.
Her love goes in my heart.
She will be talked about.
Who knows how else she will pop in! :)

I am off to cloth a streaker. ;) LOL

Domino's

Wednesday we went on a field trip with our homeschool group. We went to Domino's and made our own pizzas. Eli stayed home with Dad since his allergies prohibit him from eating pizza. Josiah and Katie Jo had a great time. We even brought Janie Beth along with us. :) Here are a few pictures...

I still want to talk about how God has changed my attitude and perspective, but I want to wait until I am not hacking all the time. It is hard to concentrate too much right now. :)

Attitude

There is so much I want to say about attitude, but the flu has hit our house.  I am planning on taking a nap this afternoon, so I don't know when I will have a chance to type my post. Please keep us in your prayers. Joey and I are the sick ones. So far the kiddos are fine. This is one thing Janie Beth will never have to experience, sickness. :)

My first solo cemetary visit

Today was my first time to visit the cemetary by myself. It was nice, and God met me there. :) I was headed to Wal-Mart to grocery shop and I decided I would go visit Janie Beth first. Yet another lady is pregnant, and I was in need of some God time. The entire way to the cemetary I prayed and talked to God. I tried to sing some, but it is hard to sing when you are crying and congested. It began to rain more on my way there. I could tell that it had rained more already the further north I went, but I didn't really care I was going anyways. By the time I got there the rain was not even a drizzle. I brought my umbrella out of the van with me, but I never used it.

The first thing I notice when I get out of the van and look at her stone is a water streak right down the middle of the heart. It was so sad looking. It broke my heart in a way, and I couldn't put it into words why until Joey said that in his mind it looked broken. It looked sad because it looked like a broken heart. Anyways, I sat, squated really since I still had to go to the store I didn't want to get a wet behind :), there and talked to Janie Beth and talked to God. Low and behold, the sun peaks through the clouds and shines down on Janie's stone. The sun was too bright for me to look up. The entire sky was gray clouds except for this tiny spot. God is amazing!!! I continue to talking, and after a few minutes I notice that the wet streak is beginning to dry. The sun is drying the water. The Son is going to dry my tears!!!! Not only is the water drying, but the heart is becoming whole again. Can I get an AMEN!?! God will dry my tears and He will heal my broken heart and make me whole again!!!! My God is mighty to save!!! He is so good to me!

If I had gone to the cemetary yesterday like I thought about, I would have missed the sun. The sun would have been shining brightly and the sky so blue and I would have thought how beautiful, but I would have taken it all for granted. I noticed the sun today because of the rain. Through the storm I see the Son!! Without the storm so often He goes un-noticed. How sad!?! I prayed to God today while I was there that I would not forget the lessons He is teaching me through Janie Beth's journey. At the beginning of this journey I asked why I was thought worthy to walk this road because I really didn't want to be worthy to walk it. But now, I am realizing that God loved me enough to find me worthy to walk this road. He is teaching me deeper lessons and I am finding treasures under the huge stones that I have to move off the path in front of me to take another step.

There are many days where I am weary of this walk, but I am trying to ask "what" and "how" instead of "why" and "when". The journey is much easier when I keep my eyes focused on God and do not turn to the right or to the left. It is a hard thing to condition yourself to do. Paul didn't call it exercise for nothing!! :)

I thank you all for your continued prayers because there are many hard minutes, hours, and days. We are trying to find our new normal. The normal that is right for our family. It doesn't look normal to some others, but it will be normal for us.

Dance

My life is a roller coaster. One minute I am up and the next minute I am falling apart. I hear news of another pregnant lady and I do ok until 5 minutes after I get off the phone. It isn't that I want to be pregnant, others getting pregnant just make me miss Janie Beth even more. It reminds me of what I am missing. It breaks me down even more.

Oddly enough, I have been praying for God to break me. He has obliged. :) Only by being broken can I be the vessel that God wants me to be. God is trying to teach me to live for Him and not me. This is a hard process!!!

Losing Janie Beth has made me re-evaluate everything. It has forced me closer with God because that is where I turned. It made me realize that I was living for myself. Every new pregnant mommy makes me give more of myself to God. It still amazes me how much I rely on myself. At the end of the day when I look back I see that I took 1 step forward and 5 steps back. I guess I should look at it as forward progress even though it is slow. It is like learning a new dance, which in a sense we are. God will teach me a new step and give me a while to learn it, and then He adds another. He will be teaching me new steps for the rest of my life. I pray that after this dancing boot camp I am in that I will learn a little quicker sometimes. :) Right now it feels as if He is adding steps everyday and I am having trouble keeping up. But, God is the ultimate dance teacher and He is there to pick me up as soon as I trip and fall. He helps me get back on the beat when I slow down because I am struggling, or slow down because I have started rushing to get through it quicker. God even lets me dance on His feet when I get too weary. He is teaching me the steps by me simply following Him. God knows exactly what I need and He knows the dance that is best for me.

One day He may have me perform it once it is where it needs to be. The performance is called ministry. What ministry? Only God knows. It is the ministry that is best for His Kingdom. I am learning that the ministry is not about me. This is why He must break me, to get my focus off myself. He must increase and I must decrease. Proverbs 16:9 "A man's heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps." I had plans, but the Lord needed to direct my steps, and they didn't end up on the same path. The Lord's direction is far better than my plans. I know that in my head, but sometimes it takes a bit for it to get to my heart.

This journey is still hard. I am still finding my new normal. A normal that has tears constantly below the surface. A normal that changes from day to day and sometimes moment to moment. A normal that I don't even realize that I am living sometimes. But, it is all preparation. "Until the time that his word came to pass, the word of the Lord tested [Joseph]" Psalm 105:19. Until it is time for my ministry, the Lord will test me and fine tune my character.

Abba Father, please guide me. Open my eyes to see. Open my ears to hear. Open my heart to be moved and changed. Open my mind to understanding. May You continue to break me down and mold me into Your vessel. May You continue to crucify my ego. May You continue to bless me through this trial and testing. May You continue to keep me as the waves rise above my head. May You continue to shine Your face upon me and light my path. May You continue to be gracious toward me, a sinner. May You continue to lift Your countenance upon me and show me Your compassion. May You continue to fill me with Your peace that passes understanding. I love You, Abba!! Please help me fall in love with You deeper! Thank You for all that You have done in my life through Janie Beth. Thank You for blessing my marriage and family through Janie Beth. Thank You for loving me and being sovereign!!! In Jesus' name I pray. Amen

These feet are dancing beautifully in heaven. :) I pray that my dance will pay memory to her. Dance Janie Beth, dance. We love you!!!

Kid's Market

Today I am doing my semi-annual shopping trip to get summer items for the kiddos. I really have no idea how it will all go. I want to be buying things for Janie Beth. There will be baby things all over, and cute little dresses. This shopping trip has always been a fun time for my mom and I. I believe God will give me the grace to get through it, and I will probably crash later as usual. :)

I am really missing her today, especially as I made a list of some things my sister might want to buy for her little one due in August.

Abba Father, please walk with me today. May Your love and comfort fill me and surround me. Thank You for loving me and carrying me through the rough times. May You be lifted up and glorified today. May You minister through me. I love Janie Beth so much, Lord. Please go deeper than my pain and heal me. Mold me back together. Guide my steps today. I love You, Father. Please draw me close. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen

Psalm 27:14

Wait in faith on the Lord, be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart; wait, I say, on the Lord.

Here is what I wrote on Christmas night:
Tonight it hit me that waiting in fath on the Lord takes courage. I have repeated this verse over and over and just thought I needed to be courageous/strong as I waited. But, it takes courage to wait in faith because you don't know where the waiting will take you. I am not to be strong. Hello, the verse even says "He shall strengthen your heart." If I am to decide to wait in faith and trust God, then that means not to fear the unknown. He is going to give me the strength to wait. Waiting often brings fear, so I must turn to Joshua 1:9: Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go. He is with me in the falley of waiting and weeping, so all I need to do is wait in faith.

I have been on a roller coaster since Sunday. Every time I think I have reached the plateau, something comes along that knocks me down a drop, and then I have to work my way back up the hill. I am wore out! :) And the stuff that gets me doesn't always make sense, but then again I guess quite a bit of grief doesn't make sense. What a mess grief can be sometimes!

I have been on the verge of tears for several days. Forget that, I have cried quite a bit in the last several days. Today was going ok, but it was right there under the surface, as it usually is, and I couldn't hold it in anymore. I cried, quiet little tears, at the library. For no real reason, just because I saw a friend and she hugged me and cared. THANK YOU!!! On the way home the children were being children, and I had to pull over to discipline them. (I hear, "mommy, what are you doing?" as I get out of the car to walk around. lol) Well, I decide to turn on the radio so I don't have to listen to the crying, and what happens!?! GOD!

The song, "By Your Side", was playing. The words were exactly what I needed.
By Your Side


Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run

And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life

(Chorus 2x)

Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go

(Chorus 2x)

Isn't He good!?! :) Of course, that only lasted so long, and I was ready to melt again. God graciously helped me make it until the children were in bed for naps. And yet again, God met me right where I was!!! He talked to me about His rod and His staff, and how they comfort me. And He told me about me being engraved on His hands and that His hand is always on me and guiding me. Even when I don't feel Him near, I know that He is because He has me engraved on His hands. That is beyond reassuring!

After God told me all of that, I went flipping through my journal. That is when I came across the passage that I wrote on Christmas night. Only God knew that I would only be waiting for Janie Beth for 4 more days, and God also knew that I would need a reminder about waiting 2 months after she went to heaven. Everyone says the first year is the hardest, and I believe them! I am waiting for the weeping to end, and the joy to come in the morning. Don't get me wrong, I have plenty of joy, but the weeping seems to always be right behind the joy. I am waiting for it to be easier. It is comforting to know that I just need to wait in faith and trust God. Know that the weeping endures for the night, but joy comes in the morning.

All that being true, I think God lead me to that journal entry more because we are waiting for Him to open the door to the ministry position He has for us. I need to wait in faith and trust God. Trust that He is working all things together for our good and His glory. Trust that He knows what is best for everyone involved. Trust that He knows what He is doing. It is hard to think about moving far away from Janie Beth and the friends we have made during this time, as well as family. But, I must wait in faith and trust that God knows. He knows my heart. He knows the desires of my heart that I don't even know. He knows what is best for the Kingdom, and He knows the people that He has for us to minister to. I do not need to fear what I do not know. I need to heed the words that I wrote over 2 months ago. Isn't it amazing how God teaches you things that you will use over and over. So much of my journey with Janie Beth before she was born applies to our journey of waiting for a job.

I am still very fragile feeling, but I am going to choose to trust God regardless of my feelings. Feelings cannot be trusted! I will stand on the promises of God. He will never leave me nor forsake me. He will direct my steps. I need to "trust in the Lord with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding, but in all my ways acknowledge Him and He will direct my path" (Proverbs 3:3-5).

I will stop now since I have written a book. :) God is calling me deeper with Him and I know that is why it is harder right now. Only through the hard times do I learn and change. I feel like the teacup in the story I posted a few days ago when it was put back in the fire after being painted and it was even hotter. But, the Potter doesn't take His eyes off when the cup is in the fire. I will stand on that promise and lean on His everlasting arms.

Thank you for your continued prayers!! And for making it through the book that I wrote. :) May the Lord bless you all doubly for the way you have blessed me.

My Grace is Sufficient

This is from Spurgeon's Morning and Evening devotion. I just wanted to share because it hit me where I am. I hope to post my own post this afternoon. Sorry for my lack of words lately. I have been on a roller coaster the last few days. At least my hair doesn't look like I have been on a roller coaster. :)

MORNING



“My grace is sufficient for thee.”


- 2 Corinthians 12:9


If none of God’s saints were poor and tried, we should not know half so well the consolations of divine grace. When we find the wanderer who has not where to lay his head, who yet can say, “Still will I trust in the Lord;” when we see the pauper starving on bread and water, who still glories in Jesus; when we see the bereaved widow overwhelmed in affliction, and yet having faith in Christ, oh! what honour it reflects on the gospel. God’s grace is illustrated and magnified in the poverty and trials of believers. Saints bear up under every discouragement, believing that all things work together for their good, and that out of apparent evils a real blessing shall ultimately spring-that their God will either work a deliverance for them speedily, or most assuredly support them in the trouble, as long as he is pleased to keep them in it. This patience of the saints proves the power of divine grace. There is a lighthouse out at sea: it is a calm night-I cannot tell whether the edifice is firm; the tempest must rage about it, and then I shall know whether it will stand. So with the Spirit’s work: if it were not on many occasions surrounded with tempestuous waters, we should not know that it was true and strong; if the winds did not blow upon it, we should not know how firm and secure it was. The master-works of God are those men who stand in the midst of difficulties, stedfast, unmoveable,-


“Calm mid the bewildering cry,


Confident of victory.”


He who would glorify his God must set his account upon meeting with many trials. No man can be illustrious before the Lord unless his conflicts be many. If then, yours be a much-tried path, rejoice in it, because you will the better show forth the all-sufficient grace of God. As for his failing you, never dream of it-hate the thought. The God who has been sufficient until now, should be trusted to the end.

Janie Beth's name pictures

Here are the other Janie Beth name pictures that I have. I would love to get some more. I love opening my email to pictures of her name. It makes her feel closer.

These 2 are from Nana and Poppa. I love pink roses nowadays! I would love to have a single pink rose at my house all the time right now.
This is from Rodgers. This is from a dear person I have never met. It is made out of beads that you iron together. I love it!!! It is in a frame and I can't wait to hang it up. These 2 pictures cam from Waterfall Angels. She lost a baby and now rights names of lost babies on rocks and takes pictures of them by the waterfall. You just email them the name you want.

Prayers

I could really use some prayers. This past week through Sunday was very emotionally draining for me. As usual, I didn't really realize it until it was all over. I am still somewhat down, and praying for God to lift me up as I have slid down into the mud. Or so it feels. It has been 2 months and I still miss her so much it hurts. I still long to hold her and kiss her and tell her I love her. Just when I think I am doing pretty well, something happens that knocks me down. It could be something tiny, and totally unexpected that could send me into tears.

I am thankful for your prayers!! This is a slow journey, and grief has no time table so don't expect me to be great by now, especially because I have 3 other children. They cannot take Janie Beth's place.

I hope to post this afternoon, but you just never know. :) I have 3 new name pictures to share. Please keep them coming!!! It warms my heart so much to see that she and I are thought about.