My life is a roller coaster. One minute I am up and the next minute I am falling apart. I hear news of another pregnant lady and I do ok until 5 minutes after I get off the phone. It isn't that I want to be pregnant, others getting pregnant just make me miss Janie Beth even more. It reminds me of what I am missing. It breaks me down even more.
Oddly enough, I have been praying for God to break me. He has obliged. :) Only by being broken can I be the vessel that God wants me to be. God is trying to teach me to live for Him and not me. This is a hard process!!!
One day He may have me perform it once it is where it needs to be. The performance is called ministry. What ministry? Only God knows. It is the ministry that is best for His Kingdom. I am learning that the ministry is not about me. This is why He must break me, to get my focus off myself. He must increase and I must decrease. Proverbs 16:9 "A man's heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps." I had plans, but the Lord needed to direct my steps, and they didn't end up on the same path. The Lord's direction is far better than my plans. I know that in my head, but sometimes it takes a bit for it to get to my heart.
This journey is still hard. I am still finding my new normal. A normal that has tears constantly below the surface. A normal that changes from day to day and sometimes moment to moment. A normal that I don't even realize that I am living sometimes. But, it is all preparation. "Until the time that his word came to pass, the word of the Lord tested [Joseph]" Psalm 105:19. Until it is time for my ministry, the Lord will test me and fine tune my character.
Abba Father, please guide me. Open my eyes to see. Open my ears to hear. Open my heart to be moved and changed. Open my mind to understanding. May You continue to break me down and mold me into Your vessel. May You continue to crucify my ego. May You continue to bless me through this trial and testing. May You continue to keep me as the waves rise above my head. May You continue to shine Your face upon me and light my path. May You continue to be gracious toward me, a sinner. May You continue to lift Your countenance upon me and show me Your compassion. May You continue to fill me with Your peace that passes understanding. I love You, Abba!! Please help me fall in love with You deeper! Thank You for all that You have done in my life through Janie Beth. Thank You for blessing my marriage and family through Janie Beth. Thank You for loving me and being sovereign!!! In Jesus' name I pray. Amen
These feet are dancing beautifully in heaven. :) I pray that my dance will pay memory to her. Dance Janie Beth, dance. We love you!!!