Dance

My life is a roller coaster. One minute I am up and the next minute I am falling apart. I hear news of another pregnant lady and I do ok until 5 minutes after I get off the phone. It isn't that I want to be pregnant, others getting pregnant just make me miss Janie Beth even more. It reminds me of what I am missing. It breaks me down even more.

Oddly enough, I have been praying for God to break me. He has obliged. :) Only by being broken can I be the vessel that God wants me to be. God is trying to teach me to live for Him and not me. This is a hard process!!!

Losing Janie Beth has made me re-evaluate everything. It has forced me closer with God because that is where I turned. It made me realize that I was living for myself. Every new pregnant mommy makes me give more of myself to God. It still amazes me how much I rely on myself. At the end of the day when I look back I see that I took 1 step forward and 5 steps back. I guess I should look at it as forward progress even though it is slow. It is like learning a new dance, which in a sense we are. God will teach me a new step and give me a while to learn it, and then He adds another. He will be teaching me new steps for the rest of my life. I pray that after this dancing boot camp I am in that I will learn a little quicker sometimes. :) Right now it feels as if He is adding steps everyday and I am having trouble keeping up. But, God is the ultimate dance teacher and He is there to pick me up as soon as I trip and fall. He helps me get back on the beat when I slow down because I am struggling, or slow down because I have started rushing to get through it quicker. God even lets me dance on His feet when I get too weary. He is teaching me the steps by me simply following Him. God knows exactly what I need and He knows the dance that is best for me.

One day He may have me perform it once it is where it needs to be. The performance is called ministry. What ministry? Only God knows. It is the ministry that is best for His Kingdom. I am learning that the ministry is not about me. This is why He must break me, to get my focus off myself. He must increase and I must decrease. Proverbs 16:9 "A man's heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps." I had plans, but the Lord needed to direct my steps, and they didn't end up on the same path. The Lord's direction is far better than my plans. I know that in my head, but sometimes it takes a bit for it to get to my heart.

This journey is still hard. I am still finding my new normal. A normal that has tears constantly below the surface. A normal that changes from day to day and sometimes moment to moment. A normal that I don't even realize that I am living sometimes. But, it is all preparation. "Until the time that his word came to pass, the word of the Lord tested [Joseph]" Psalm 105:19. Until it is time for my ministry, the Lord will test me and fine tune my character.

Abba Father, please guide me. Open my eyes to see. Open my ears to hear. Open my heart to be moved and changed. Open my mind to understanding. May You continue to break me down and mold me into Your vessel. May You continue to crucify my ego. May You continue to bless me through this trial and testing. May You continue to keep me as the waves rise above my head. May You continue to shine Your face upon me and light my path. May You continue to be gracious toward me, a sinner. May You continue to lift Your countenance upon me and show me Your compassion. May You continue to fill me with Your peace that passes understanding. I love You, Abba!! Please help me fall in love with You deeper! Thank You for all that You have done in my life through Janie Beth. Thank You for blessing my marriage and family through Janie Beth. Thank You for loving me and being sovereign!!! In Jesus' name I pray. Amen

These feet are dancing beautifully in heaven. :) I pray that my dance will pay memory to her. Dance Janie Beth, dance. We love you!!!