Wait in faith on the Lord, be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart; wait, I say, on the Lord.
Here is what I wrote on Christmas night:
Tonight it hit me that waiting in fath on the Lord takes courage. I have repeated this verse over and over and just thought I needed to be courageous/strong as I waited. But, it takes courage to wait in faith because you don't know where the waiting will take you. I am not to be strong. Hello, the verse even says "He shall strengthen your heart." If I am to decide to wait in faith and trust God, then that means not to fear the unknown. He is going to give me the strength to wait. Waiting often brings fear, so I must turn to Joshua 1:9: Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go. He is with me in the falley of waiting and weeping, so all I need to do is wait in faith.
I have been on a roller coaster since Sunday. Every time I think I have reached the plateau, something comes along that knocks me down a drop, and then I have to work my way back up the hill. I am wore out! :) And the stuff that gets me doesn't always make sense, but then again I guess quite a bit of grief doesn't make sense. What a mess grief can be sometimes!
I have been on the verge of tears for several days. Forget that, I have cried quite a bit in the last several days. Today was going ok, but it was right there under the surface, as it usually is, and I couldn't hold it in anymore. I cried, quiet little tears, at the library. For no real reason, just because I saw a friend and she hugged me and cared. THANK YOU!!! On the way home the children were being children, and I had to pull over to discipline them. (I hear, "mommy, what are you doing?" as I get out of the car to walk around. lol) Well, I decide to turn on the radio so I don't have to listen to the crying, and what happens!?! GOD!
The song, "By Your Side", was playing. The words were exactly what I needed.
By Your Side
Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away
Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run
And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you
Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life
Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go
Isn't He good!?! :) Of course, that only lasted so long, and I was ready to melt again. God graciously helped me make it until the children were in bed for naps. And yet again, God met me right where I was!!! He talked to me about His rod and His staff, and how they comfort me. And He told me about me being engraved on His hands and that His hand is always on me and guiding me. Even when I don't feel Him near, I know that He is because He has me engraved on His hands. That is beyond reassuring!
After God told me all of that, I went flipping through my journal. That is when I came across the passage that I wrote on Christmas night. Only God knew that I would only be waiting for Janie Beth for 4 more days, and God also knew that I would need a reminder about waiting 2 months after she went to heaven. Everyone says the first year is the hardest, and I believe them! I am waiting for the weeping to end, and the joy to come in the morning. Don't get me wrong, I have plenty of joy, but the weeping seems to always be right behind the joy. I am waiting for it to be easier. It is comforting to know that I just need to wait in faith and trust God. Know that the weeping endures for the night, but joy comes in the morning.
All that being true, I think God lead me to that journal entry more because we are waiting for Him to open the door to the ministry position He has for us. I need to wait in faith and trust God. Trust that He is working all things together for our good and His glory. Trust that He knows what is best for everyone involved. Trust that He knows what He is doing. It is hard to think about moving far away from Janie Beth and the friends we have made during this time, as well as family. But, I must wait in faith and trust that God knows. He knows my heart. He knows the desires of my heart that I don't even know. He knows what is best for the Kingdom, and He knows the people that He has for us to minister to. I do not need to fear what I do not know. I need to heed the words that I wrote over 2 months ago. Isn't it amazing how God teaches you things that you will use over and over. So much of my journey with Janie Beth before she was born applies to our journey of waiting for a job.
I am still very fragile feeling, but I am going to choose to trust God regardless of my feelings. Feelings cannot be trusted! I will stand on the promises of God. He will never leave me nor forsake me. He will direct my steps. I need to "trust in the Lord with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding, but in all my ways acknowledge Him and He will direct my path" (Proverbs 3:3-5).
I will stop now since I have written a book. :) God is calling me deeper with Him and I know that is why it is harder right now. Only through the hard times do I learn and change. I feel like the teacup in the story I posted a few days ago when it was put back in the fire after being painted and it was even hotter. But, the Potter doesn't take His eyes off when the cup is in the fire. I will stand on that promise and lean on His everlasting arms.
Thank you for your continued prayers!! And for making it through the book that I wrote. :) May the Lord bless you all doubly for the way you have blessed me.