God started out our day yesterday with the garage flooding from the washer. It definitely distracted us. :) It turned out to be no big deal and it didn't cost us anything. Thank You, Lord!!! We even caught up the laundry! Yea! My Mom spent the day with us, and we enjoyed her company! A friend brought dinner over and was visiting and then some more friends came over loaded down with pink balloons, one for every hour Janie Beth was alive on this earth. It was so nice to have the house full of people! Then, they all left. WOW! Talk about a sinking feeling.
I had to move my feet to do what needed to be done. My husband, children and I all needed to eat dinner. For some reason, over the last couple weeks we have not all sat down at the same time to eat at the table. Here we go, another First!! The empty chair stared at me. There are no words to explain the deep pain while I sat there eating dinner. During dinner I decided that I would ask God to fill that chair with His love and presence since Janie Beth's presence won't fill it. That hurts more than I ever thought it would. My baby girl will never sit at the table with us and eat. But, one day we will sit at a huge table and celebrate together in the presence of the Lord! Thank You, Jesus for allowing us to have that honor!! Thank You, Lord for turning my mind back to You and showing me that I will one day sit at the table with Janie Beth.
Since yesterday started out of the ordinary today has really been our first day of the new normal. I tried to get back to doing things that I used to do. I made pancakes for breakfast. This brought a sorrow to me. I don't believe I have made pancakes since we found out Janie Beth would probably die. The fact that I was making breakfast without a baby in a sling hit me. I enjoy cooking and baking usually and I enjoy holding the little ones while I do so. But, I am holding Janie Beth in my heart and I must remember that!
"I can do all things through Christ who strengthen me" Philippians 4:13. This was our Bible verse this morning. We did our prayer and devotion time this morning. This another thing that has been put aside the last few weeks. How appropriate for God to get us back into His word with this verse as we face such a rocky journey. Thank You, Father for Your living word that always says just what I need! I will make it through this day because Christ will strengthen me!
We are going to bring Janie Beth's 22 pink balloons to the cemetary and let them all go but one. We are going to wrap one around her little name stake that marks her spot until her headstone comes in. Joey asked me if I was ready to go back. I said that I don't think I would ever be ready. The kids are excited to go see her. I am too, but sad at the same time. I never knew you could be filled with such conflicting emotions at the same time! Only God can make sense of it.
Your prayers mean so much to me/us! It is hard to trudge through the mud that cakes this road we are on, and your prayers help us more than you or us will ever know. God is gracious! Janie means God is gracious, and her name was the only one that I have been intent on what it means. I have no doubt that God was behind it all. Her name will remind us daily that God is gracious and He is helping us through her journey. It doesn't take away the pain, but it sure helps to know that God is with me.