January 10, 2010

Last night went easier than I though it would be. It re-enforced that Janie Beth's life is in Heaven and her body is just a shell. It was easier to leave her with that reality in mind. I prayed earlier in the day for God to show me the lies I had been believing and replace them with His truth, and I believe without a shadow of a doubt that that is what He did. We were blessed by the many family and friends that came by. I pray it isn't that long before I see some of them again. I hope Janie Beth will make me a better friend! (Please send up a special prayer for a special friend, God knows. :))

Katie Jo kept going up to Janie Beth and touching her and singing to her throughout the night. I pray that I never forget those memories. She would have been such a loving big sister to Janie Beth! She was so excited. Thinking about that makes me want to scream WHY God. We love her so much! And He gently reminds me that it will be ok and His plan is for hope and a future, not disaster but for good. It doesn't make the pain better, but it makes it easier to bare, at least for a little while until He has to remind me again. Thank You, Father, for patiently and gently guiding me and carrying me. Thank You for not giving up on me, but instead for loving me more during this time and watching me even closer. You are my amazing Father, my Abba!!! I love You, God!

Katie Jo had a hard time leaving Janie Beth. I know being tired played a part too. All the kids went to bed without a single hitch, which is rare! She told me when I went in to give her hugs and kisses that she didn't give Janie Beth hugs and kisses bye. So, we blew Janie Beth hugs and kisses last night and we gave each other more hugs and kisses since Janie Beth isn't here. How I would love to give Janie Beth hugs and kisses whenever I wanted to, but that isn't in the plan right now and one day I will be able to do that. My heart yearns for her and rejoices for her at the same time. It is a crazy thing! Only God can make something like that possible!

I ended up in bed with Eli last night. I think he had a dream of some sort. It crossed my mind that I would never get to do that with Janie Beth, and after that thought I thanked God that I can with my other 3 children. I have 3 children on earth and 3 in heaven. The pain this time is much deeper and different than my miscarriages, but the other 2 are mine as well. I told Joey last night that it is awful but I am thankful that we lost those 2 or we wouldn't have Eli. I will never know everything and/or everyone that Janie Beth's life has touched and will touch or what she has changed and will change, but God sees it all. I am so thankful that He sees the big picture while I am just looking at my own snapshot. I can't imagine trying to work everything for everyone's good and His glory! How mind boggling.

Today we will celebrate Janie Beth's life. I am excited for the worship service. Janie Beth has blessed me so much and answered so many prayers. She is a very special little girl. I miss her terribly, but I am thankful to be her mother! I will cry as I leave the cemetary, but it is comforting to know that I can go back. The kids already have things that they want to put on her "stone". It will be a bit before it gets here, and I look forward to seeing it! Today will have its difficult moments, but I am ready to face it and move on to the next step on this journey. This week will be harder for me because it is all over and there is nothing else to plan for Janie Beth. God is ready to start writing the next Janie Beth chapter, and I am excited to see what all will come from the rest of Janie Beth's chapters. God is not done with her journey through us, and never will be because she is woven into our family and lives very intricately, something that God graciously gave us.