My army crawl is so low right now that I could suffocate in the mud. And then rapids from the river in this huge cavern rage against me and the mud gets more slippery and all I can do is cling to God for dear life. I did not know that pain and sorrow could go so deep. I did not know that my heart could be in so many shattered pieces on the floor. This is something only God can fix!
I knelt at my green couch this morning. I can not tell you how many times I have knelt there before, but this time was different. I am broken beyond measure! I am Humpty Dumpty who fell off the wall and no one can put me back together. In pouring out my heart, God showed me that being on my knees before Him is how the tears will water my garden. I have been praying, but it has been a while since I got on my knees. Pregnancy had made it difficult for me to do, and my pleadings for Janie Beth's miracle came in the way it was supposed to instead of as I wanted it to. As I knelt my tears watered the couch. I prayed for God to show me at least one flower He is growing in this garden that He is making with manure because it sure does stink! He reminded me that last night, for the first time, I smelled the flowers that sit beside my chair in the kitchen. I could smell them without seeing them. I may not see the flowers yet, but I will be able to smell of their existence. Right now I can't look up from the ground at times, but the scent of the flowers can overpower the scent of the mud that my face is so close to.
This is not the journey that I wanted to be worthy to walk. I don't want anyone I know to have to walk this journey, but why did He have to choose me to walk it? Why was my baby the one He chose to take? I am doing my best to trust God and lean on the promise that He is working all things together for my good and His glory, but it doesn't take the pain away.
I pulled out my Sunday School material this morning to try to catch up because I need the ladies in my class right now on this journey. Well, low and behold, it was just what I needed, even though I am 2 or 4 wks behind. God does this all the time! He always says just what I need even if it is something I should have read long before.
This is from Ralph Douglas West's "Finding Fullness Again" (I changed it to make it personal and it came from several different paragraphs.)
God cares about my broken world. He has come to my side to uncover, recover, and redeem. He is taking my fagmented pieces and synergizing them with mosaic healing. Christ is holding my world together, and once the pieces of my brokeness are assembled by God's origin in my life, I will see Jesus in the pieces.
Abba, my pain is so deep and my brokeness is beyond measure. May You, the Great Physician, come into my heart and go deeper than my pain. May You mold the pieces back together more beautiful than they were before. May You fill me with what I need for every moment. Please let the rapids that beat on me become smaller! I need some time to catch my breath. Lord, carry me because Your understanding is beyond measure. I need You more than I ever thought I would. Forgive me for my ignorance! Thank You, Jesus, for allowing me access to the Father! Here I am Lord, fix me. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen