I am adding this paragraph after I have written everything else. I couldn't really think of a title for today, so I wrote today's date. That is when it hit me that I was supposed to be induced today. Why this makes me sad, I really don't know. Instead of being at the hospital right now, it has been 1 week since Janie Beth went to Heaven. The thing is, if we had made it to today, she still would be going to be with God. Please hold me in prayer today, especially that God would go deeper than my pain to heal me.
I started to update last night, but words left me. Katie Jo talked about what she wants to give Janie Beth and I kind of broke down after I left her room. She is planning on getting Janie Beth a baby doll to hold, and maybe one to lay beside her too.
Each day this journey gets a little more real. I look at her pictures and see her peace and it brings me a smile. A friend pointed out to me the difference in her in the pictures I posted and her obvious discomfort at times in the NICU. I know that peace. It is the peace that passes all understanding from our Maker. That brings me peace to think about. She is having such a great time!
We got the crib down yesterday and I hope to get the stuff in the bassinet out so we can get it put away as well. We did ok taking it down. I cried. And I believe get a distant stare right now at times, and I do believe I looked that way while Joey took it apart and put it away.
The hardest time for me yesterday was when the kids were in bed for naps and Joey had gone to the store. That was always mine and Janie Beth's time to just sit and be together. And it would have still been our time if she had lived. I sat on the couch and cried. After a few minutes, I decided I would pull out the devotional book I got from the String of Pearls ministry. It is a One Year Book of Devotion of Hope. I experienced that the Word of God really is living!!!! I read that devotion and then I did the digging deeper part by going into the Word and reading more. The Word changes you!!! It brought me peace to sit with God and read His word. WOW!!! God says in the Bible that it is the Living Word, and God doesn't lie!!
I am thankful that even as this journey gets harder and more real, God still gives me good moments. He brings smiles to my face, through Joey, Josiah, Katie Jo, and Eli. He is answering many prayers.
We are venturing out today. We are attending a Bright Lights event, our preschool homeschool group. We are learning from some community helpers and then eating lunch and playing on the indoor playground. The kids and I both are looking forward to the fellowship!
Thank you all for your continued prayers! I know the journey is going to get harder before it gets better, and knowing that so many are praying helps me know that I am not alone.