I am adding this paragraph after I have written everything else. I couldn't really think of a title for today, so I wrote today's date. That is when it hit me that I was supposed to be induced today. Why this makes me sad, I really don't know. Instead of being at the hospital right now, it has been 1 week since Janie Beth went to Heaven. The thing is, if we had made it to today, she still would be going to be with God. Please hold me in prayer today, especially that God would go deeper than my pain to heal me.
I started to update last night, but words left me. Katie Jo talked about what she wants to give Janie Beth and I kind of broke down after I left her room. She is planning on getting Janie Beth a baby doll to hold, and maybe one to lay beside her too.
Each day this journey gets a little more real. I look at her pictures and see her peace and it brings me a smile. A friend pointed out to me the difference in her in the pictures I posted and her obvious discomfort at times in the NICU. I know that peace. It is the peace that passes all understanding from our Maker. That brings me peace to think about. She is having such a great time!
We got the crib down yesterday and I hope to get the stuff in the bassinet out so we can get it put away as well. We did ok taking it down. I cried. And I believe get a distant stare right now at times, and I do believe I looked that way while Joey took it apart and put it away.
The hardest time for me yesterday was when the kids were in bed for naps and Joey had gone to the store. That was always mine and Janie Beth's time to just sit and be together. And it would have still been our time if she had lived. I sat on the couch and cried. After a few minutes, I decided I would pull out the devotional book I got from the String of Pearls ministry. It is a One Year Book of Devotion of Hope. I experienced that the Word of God really is living!!!! I read that devotion and then I did the digging deeper part by going into the Word and reading more. The Word changes you!!! It brought me peace to sit with God and read His word. WOW!!! God says in the Bible that it is the Living Word, and God doesn't lie!!
I am thankful that even as this journey gets harder and more real, God still gives me good moments. He brings smiles to my face, through Joey, Josiah, Katie Jo, and Eli. He is answering many prayers.
We are venturing out today. We are attending a Bright Lights event, our preschool homeschool group. We are learning from some community helpers and then eating lunch and playing on the indoor playground. The kids and I both are looking forward to the fellowship!
Thank you all for your continued prayers! I know the journey is going to get harder before it gets better, and knowing that so many are praying helps me know that I am not alone.
No one can know your pain but God. They say that time makes things better. But I believe leaning on the Lord will ease some of your pain. As a teen my father died. I kept wondering when it would be okay to laugh again. Then I wondered how long it would take for the pain to go away. I would search for other teenagers that had gone through the grief process like I had. People my parents age didn't seem to count (in my thinking) as they lost someone that was much older and had lived their life to a much older age, I felt my father and I was shortchanged of his long life. I couldn't find young people with my experience and when I did find them they didn't want to intimately talk about it.
ReplyDeleteI believe God guided me through some books on grief after several months of pain, searching and even getting mad at God. How embarassing for me to admit that, they say its one of the grieving steps. Our father in heaven must feel our pain and its sad that we sometimes come to this point at least we can ask for forgivness. I realized after reading about grief I had taken about 6 of the 10 steps of grieving. I knew I was over halfway through-so that was encouraging. After the one 1 year mark someone told me the pain would be less. I got there and thought no its not.
I thought no one owns this but me and what would my father want me to do. I took it in stride and put myself heavily into my studies. I tried to look for the blessing in it-but it was hard. And if something seemed like I couldn't conquer it I would think how would my father want me to take on this task. He would want me to suceed. Just like our heavenly father would want you to suceed and do well with everything. Michele I think our father in heaven would want you to suceed and talk about the pain and work through it in your time. Evreyone's grief is different and the time it takes is different for everyone. Today you have a better chance at finding someone with a similar experince on-line that can relate to your experince. Then again you may be the one helping them. Its okay to talk about your pain, you are not only helping yourself but you may be helping others. Your family has my continued prayers.
Kyle J.
WOW! What a cutie! And, what precious pictures of ALL of you...I'm not a parent, but I AM an aunt, and I KNOW how precious these babies are, no matter WHAT the 'circumstance.' Michelle, you and the rest of your family are in my heart, and my prayers. I pray that God will give ALL of you the peace that passeth understanding. As YOU know, God is the One who knows the WHOLE story, and He more than likely will reveal ALL of that to you later. But for now...peace...for ALL of you. :) (I hadn't planned on sending you another 'post,' but after seeing these pictures, well...DO take care,
ReplyDeleteDenise Moore
Des Moines, Iowa
(((HUGS)))
ReplyDeleteGrief takes time, and many forms. Some days it may be easier, then all of a sudden certain things trigger a crying time. It is not the same with each person. Each one grieves the death of a close friend or relative differently. I know when my dad died fall of 2008, grief takes time. It does get a little worse before better. But each day is a day forward, and a day with the Lord walking by your side as you and your family travel this valley. ((((HUGS))) and many prayers. "D"
You all are in my prayers.
ReplyDelete