The stark reality hit me today as I realized that Janie Beth is in my past and not in my future. Only her memories and my love for her are in my future, but her precious little body and life is not. We went back to church today in our normal routine. It was really hard! I didn't even realize how hard until I left church. How do I continue to do what I have always done without Janie Beth here? It feels like she was never here when I keep doing what I have always done. I so wanted to be showing off my baby girl yesterday. It hurt more than I let myself feel the hurt, if that makes any sense. Thankfully God didn't have many infants pass me; I can't even think of one. He knew just how fragile the walls were that I had built up to protect myself as I walked through the day. Help me, Lord!!!! I need Your strength and faith. Since I didn't let myself feel yesterday, I feel as though I could break right now as the weight of yesterday comes crashing down on me.
Why do I do that to myself? I perfected the art of building walls around my heart way too young. I really thought I had stopped, but I could tell by the numbness yesterday that that was exactly what I had done.
I am trying to get my kids back into a routine and schedule. Just like going to church, it is hard to do what we have always done since Janie Beth is not here. I need my normal routine, but I also need a new normal routine. How in the world to I walk that fine line!?! God showed me last night. Proverbs 3:5-6 tells me to "trust in the Lord with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding, but in all my ways acknowledge Him and He will direct my path." God knows exactly what our new/old normal should look like and I need to trust Him and let Him guide me. He is calling me to step forward and I am reaching for His hand while my head is turned facing the past. That isn't going to work, I have tried that before!
Help me, Father, to face forward just as my feet face forward. I am clinging to You, Abba! Hold me up and help me crawl. Please take away the guilt that tries hard to rear its ugly head as I try to move forward. Help me trust You and lean not on my own understanding, but in all my ways acknowledge You so that You can direct my path. Guide me in the routine that will work best for my family. Change me, Lord. I need You. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen
Here I thought I was done with this post and I go to label it. It is so hard for me not to label my posts as Janie Beth. They aren't really about her anymore, but not labeling them with her shows that I am moving forward. How easily I could wrestle God like Jacob did, but that wouldn't get my anywhere except hurt. And then I wonder if that hurt would take some of the pain away. The answer is NO. God, please help me let go and let You!!!! Only by Your strength can I walk this journey without my precious Janie Beth beside me. Comfort me, please. Show me which step to take today.