"And the Lord your God will circumcise your heart and the heart of your descendants, to love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul, that you may live." Deuteronomy 30:6

but grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. To Him be the glory both now and forever. Amen.
2 Peter 3:18

Friday, January 8, 2010

So sad

A deep sadness and pain have set in my heart. I can't really explain it at all. It is a pain that only my Abba can heal and mold. I am thankful that He will hold me so gently and do His mighty work in my life. The weekend somewhat looms over my head. I do not want to say goodbye to my precious Janie Beth. I know she is already gone, but I want to hold her and never put her down. I will cling to God's promise that through His mercies I am not consumed for His compassions fail not, they are new every morning!!! I have to quote scripture to myself quite often as the days get harder. I have multiple verses up around my house, but I need to quadruple how many are up so I can find one from anywhere at anytime. God's Word is true medicine and it can reach deeper than my pain just like God. Thank You, Father, for showing me this truth! I have to focus on God's truth and not my own lies as I start this journey of grief.

It snowed yesterday, and that was hard. Janie Beth was here last time. We didn't go out except for once just for a few minutes. I feel bad for cheating Josiah, Katie Jo, and Eli of that joy. But, God has graciously left snow for today too, so I will bring them out to play for a while. And, I will try to have fun too.

We watched the AL game. ROLL TIDE!!! #1 I cried as the team ran out and as the National Anthem was played. I can't give you a reason, but it hurt. Yesterday was a rough day. I had my first milk leak as I went to put some cabbage on and a few tears trickled down my face. Oh, how I wish I could feed my baby girl.

I also put up my maternity clothes. It was hard as I was flooded with memories of things Janie Beth and I did when we wore different things. Those are really the clothes she wore during her time here. I know one day, or more than one, I will cry as I open my closet and see that they aren't in there anymore. This road looks so long, but I am going to chose to cling to God moment by moment. That is the only way I will make it on the long and hard, bumpy road.

We didn't make it to the store yesterday so that is on tap for today. I also want to find something nice to wear on Sunday. I mainly have black stuff and I don't want to wear black as I celebrate Janie Beth. And I want to look my best for her celebration. I will lean on the Everlasting Arms today! I will cling to the Old Rugged Cross today! Each and every moment I will make that choice.

In the midst of the pain, I can still smile. I can still laugh, and I am thankful for Joey, Josiah, Katie Jo, and Eli who provide ample opportunities to do so!

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow. Because He lives, all fear is gone. Because I know Who holds the future, and life is worth the living just because He lives!!! God lifts my spirits with music more than I can count. The old hymns have touched me greatly with their words. We will be singing a few on Sunday at Janie Beth's celebration. I am thankful for the men that allowed God to write through them!!! May we all go around singing "Because He Lives" today because that is reason enough to rejoice!

Thank you all for letting me write this all! It lifts my spirits many times because God shows me things as I type. He has lifted my spirits higher than they were when I started this post. Thank You, Father!! You are the One writing for me. Thank You for allowing me to share this journey with others.

Abba Father, may You please provide my every need for every moment today. May You continue to do exceedingly abundantly about all I could ever ask or think through Janie Beth's journey. Help me to wait in faith and be of good courage and trust You, so You can strengthen my heart. May You continue to bless us and keep us. May You make Your face to shine upon us and be gracious to us. May You lift up Your countenance upon us and give us Your peace. Thank You, Jesus, for Your sacrifice. Thank You, God, for raising Him from the dead. Thank You that because He lives so can I and so does Janie Beth!!!! To God be the glory for the things He hath done! In Jesus' name I pray. Amen


  1. I read your post this morning and have been thinking about you all day. If you want snow, I can send some! lol. I had tears in my eyes as I read. I've been thinking and praying for you. I'm praying for you now, as it is 3:12 my time. Many ((((HUGS)))) "D"

  2. Standing in agreement with your closing prayer, Michelle. Amen. You remain in my prayers. Hugs, Marybeth