"And the Lord your God will circumcise your heart and the heart of your descendants, to love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul, that you may live." Deuteronomy 30:6

but grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. To Him be the glory both now and forever. Amen.
2 Peter 3:18

Saturday, January 9, 2010

It is here

The weekend, that is. Today is visitation for Janie Beth. This afternoon/evening will be one of the hardest ones I have had to live. I have looked forward to seeing Janie Beth again, but to know this is the last time on this side of heaven is heartwrenching. A friend asked me if I would hold her, and I said I didn't know. I would love to hold her, but I don't know that I could put her down. I believe today will be even harder than tomorrow. Today we say "goodbye" and tomorrow we celebrate her life, however short. She has blessed me beyond words! If she had lived here on earth, then I would have missed out on these blessings. The pain is very deep, but I don't want to trade it because then I wouldn't be able to remember her. I would rather have the pain and the time I had with Janie Beth than to erase it all. She is so precious and her mark on this world is already so big, and I cannot even imagine what God is going to continue to do through Janie Beth's journey that continues through us.

God will provide for my every need in each moment today. He is going before me, and He is hedging me behind. He is strong where I am weak, and He is writing my faith. Why He chose me to walk this path with Him, I do not know, but I am honored to have the privilege to know Him more intimately as we trek this road together. Not only is God drawing me closer to Him, but He is changing my marriage and my family. Joey and I are learning to walk in faith together and being 3 become 1 with God in our marriage. Are we stumbling? YES! This is uncharted territory. Will we help each other climb out of this valley? YES! We need each other. God planned us as a couple before we ever knew each other and He knew exactly what we would go through. God is changing our parenting. I have been praying for God to make us a family after His own heart, not just individuals after His own heart. How could He do that without having us lean on each other and Him!?! Janie Beth has answered so many prayers. Oh, how I wish He could have answered them differently, but then I wouldn't have met Janie Beth and she wouldn't have changed my world. I am a better mother because of her. It doesn't feel like it right now as I trudge through the mud, but God is refining me and I won't even recognize myself one day. I already don't recognize parts of myself from previous Refiner's fires! Isn't God amazing!!!

He chose a broken vessel to trudge this path, but if I wasn't broken then I wouldn't be worth fixing! Thank You, Lord, for finding me worthy to walk this journey and be Janie Beth's mother. You have already done exceedingly abundantly above all I could ever ask or think, and I am thankful that You will continue to do so. I am excited to see the flowers You will bloom from from this garden that You have been tending to. It may hurt, but joy still remains. Father, I love You! Please help me through this day. Be my strength and write my faith for every moment. Thank You for Joey's tangible arms to lean on and for his love for me. May You mold me into the wife he needs. Thank You for Josiah, Katie Jo, and Eli. They are special kids! Thank You for Janie Beth and the way she has touched my life and the joy she brings to my heart. Lord, thank You for walking this day with me. May You bless us as we walk this day. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen


  1. Your words remind me of "The Rose" by Bette Middler

    Some say love it is a river
    that drowns the tender reed
    Some say love it is a razer
    that leaves your soul to blead

    Some say love it is a hunger
    an endless aching need
    I say love it is a flower
    and you it's only seed

    It's the heart afraid of breaking
    that never learns to dance
    It's the dream afraid of wakingthat never takes the chance
    It's the one who won't be taken
    who cannot seem to give
    and the soul afraid of dyingthat never learns to live

    When the night has been too lonely
    and the road has been too long
    and you think that love is only
    for the lucky and the strong
    Just remember in the winterfar beneath the bitter snows
    lies the seed
    that with the sun's love
    in the spring
    becomes the rose

    This sums up what you are saying greatly. This song makes me cry every time I listen to it. My rose died in the winter but in spring I was able to live on because of the roses that bloomed, yes it is one to make you a better mother. Praying for you!

    Kelly aka Sleeplessnga

  2. What a humbling, tearful, painful post. I am blessed to pray for you on this journey. Not that I wish you were on this journey, but I'm blessed because of your testimony. I also stand in agreement with your heart's prayers and praises that you wrote. You are Christ's. Relax in Him today, hold tight to Him today. He is bringing you all through this valley. He is there with you today and tomorrow, as you journey through this weekend of goodbyes. Know that I am praying for you. ((((HUGS)))

  3. Christ beside me, Christ before me, Christ behind me King of my heart; Christ within me, Christ below me, Christ above me never to part. Christ on my right hand, Christ on my left hand, Christ all around me shield in strife; Christ in my sleeping, Christ in my sitting, Christ in my rising light of my life. Christ beside me, Christ before me, Christ behind me King of my heart; Christ within me, Christ below me, Christ above me never to part.

  4. Praying for you everytime God brings you & your family to rememberance. Know that you are loved & cared for all over the world. Your journey has touched so many lives & made a mark on so many hearts. May God hold you all close to Him during this very hard time of your life.(((HUGS)))
    Debbie(Momblob3 on the Fishbowl)

  5. Just to let you know, I've been praying for you all afternoon and evening. Try and get some extra rest before tomorrow afternoon. ((((HUGS)))) "D"

  6. Michelle, you are an amazing woman. You are glorifying God in so many ways right now, through your faith, your life, your testimony. Thank you for leaving an example for the rest of us to follow. I want to be more like you!! Love you girl!!!

  7. Oh and your family looked so beautiful today. You are such a shining light for everyone who knows you. Love you!!

  8. Michelle you and your family were beautiful tonight inside and out! Your words encourage me so much!! Thank you for sharing your most intimate thoughts and prayers. I love you so much! I'm praying for you!!