The weekend, that is. Today is visitation for Janie Beth. This afternoon/evening will be one of the hardest ones I have had to live. I have looked forward to seeing Janie Beth again, but to know this is the last time on this side of heaven is heartwrenching. A friend asked me if I would hold her, and I said I didn't know. I would love to hold her, but I don't know that I could put her down. I believe today will be even harder than tomorrow. Today we say "goodbye" and tomorrow we celebrate her life, however short. She has blessed me beyond words! If she had lived here on earth, then I would have missed out on these blessings. The pain is very deep, but I don't want to trade it because then I wouldn't be able to remember her. I would rather have the pain and the time I had with Janie Beth than to erase it all. She is so precious and her mark on this world is already so big, and I cannot even imagine what God is going to continue to do through Janie Beth's journey that continues through us.
God will provide for my every need in each moment today. He is going before me, and He is hedging me behind. He is strong where I am weak, and He is writing my faith. Why He chose me to walk this path with Him, I do not know, but I am honored to have the privilege to know Him more intimately as we trek this road together. Not only is God drawing me closer to Him, but He is changing my marriage and my family. Joey and I are learning to walk in faith together and being 3 become 1 with God in our marriage. Are we stumbling? YES! This is uncharted territory. Will we help each other climb out of this valley? YES! We need each other. God planned us as a couple before we ever knew each other and He knew exactly what we would go through. God is changing our parenting. I have been praying for God to make us a family after His own heart, not just individuals after His own heart. How could He do that without having us lean on each other and Him!?! Janie Beth has answered so many prayers. Oh, how I wish He could have answered them differently, but then I wouldn't have met Janie Beth and she wouldn't have changed my world. I am a better mother because of her. It doesn't feel like it right now as I trudge through the mud, but God is refining me and I won't even recognize myself one day. I already don't recognize parts of myself from previous Refiner's fires! Isn't God amazing!!!
He chose a broken vessel to trudge this path, but if I wasn't broken then I wouldn't be worth fixing! Thank You, Lord, for finding me worthy to walk this journey and be Janie Beth's mother. You have already done exceedingly abundantly above all I could ever ask or think, and I am thankful that You will continue to do so. I am excited to see the flowers You will bloom from from this garden that You have been tending to. It may hurt, but joy still remains. Father, I love You! Please help me through this day. Be my strength and write my faith for every moment. Thank You for Joey's tangible arms to lean on and for his love for me. May You mold me into the wife he needs. Thank You for Josiah, Katie Jo, and Eli. They are special kids! Thank You for Janie Beth and the way she has touched my life and the joy she brings to my heart. Lord, thank You for walking this day with me. May You bless us as we walk this day. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen