Here I sit and I don't even know what to say, which those that know me well will know that doesn't happen often. :) God has taught me some neat things, again with Joey's help added to the insight God has given me. But, I am not ready to share right now. Yesterday, I got up before everyone like I used to and I really thought that would continue today. Well instead I was dreaming that I was getting up while in reality the boys were getting up! It was even sunny in my dream while in reality it was still somewhat dark. Due to their early arising, or my late arising, I have not had God time yet. I find that I need God time multiple times throughout the day! I cannot live on bread alone, I must have the word of God. Continually I have to re-focus and look to God. He is so graciously helping me bear this burden, yet it still feels oh so heavy!
The cup that I have been given cannot be taken away, so I must stand on the promise that God has equip me and will continue to equip me to drink this cup. I now can somewhat understand Jesus' anguish in the Garden of Gethsemane. His grief and despair are more real to me now. I could easily pray with anguish to let this cup pass from me, but it is already in my grasp and it is not time for me to put it down. I don't know if I will ever put it down because I feel as though I will grieve in some form or fashion for the rest of my life. While Joey and I were talking last night, we discussed that this journey would get easier at some point. I said that it would without us even realizing it and one day we would realize that it is easier than it was, and I said that then I might cry because it is easier and we are moving forward. I know this would be Janie Beth's desire for us, but it still hurts!! Joey's blog post is amazing and says so well what we discussed last night (http://drjoeykarr.blogspot.com/). I try, Janie Beth, to rejoice with you instead of cry for you, and I know as my pain is remolded by God into beauty that I will be able to do that more, but right now my pain is too deep.
I hope after some God time this morning once Joey is up that I will feel more like sharing God's other treasures He has shown me. Please continue to lift me up in prayer, as well as Joey and the kids. I need them more than you could ever know!
Abba Father, please go deeper than my pain!!!! Please begin to remold my pain into beauty. Write my faith for each moment today, and be my strength where I am weak, which is everywhere! I need You! Thank You for equipping me for such a time as this. Thank You, Jesus, for understanding the anguish and grief of wanting this cup to pass from me. Come in and fill me today. Help me through this new day. Lord, may lives be changed through Janie Beth's journey, and souls saved. May her short life and this incredible pain be for good somehow! I need it to be for good because it hurts so much. Thank You for loving me and being so close to me right now. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen