IT HURTS

I started to write my post yesterday to share some more of what God has shown me, but I do not have the heart to finish it this morning, so it will be posted when God is ready.

I don't even know where to start. IT HURTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel so alone. It seems as though God has pulled every one I have leaned on out from under me. He wants me to only lean on Him, but I want to wrestle Him and tell Him I need someone with skin on. God says, you know who had skin on that knows exactly how you feel, Jesus. But, God I can't feel His arms around me. And He says, then feel your husband's arms around you. I do, but I always want more. Why can't I ever be satisfied!?! I want someone who has walked in these shoes beside me and walking with me. And they still are, but it isn't the way I wanted it. I want so much to be able to rejoice with all my friends, but instead it brings the pain up even closer. God, how I am supposed to do this?? He tells me to look at the name of my blog, Leaning on the Everlasting Arms, and I must do that a moment at a time. If I look further it hurts too much to see how long this road is that stretches out in front of me.

Thank You, Abba that You are with me every inch of the way. I need You. Help me to lean on You first, my husband second, and then everyone else. Please, I beg You, to go deeper than my pain and begin to heal me. Begin to mold me back together and give me beauty for ashes.

The words "help me" come from my mouth constantly right now in my cries to God. I do not see how people walk this road without Him. He is the One holding me up and binding me together.

I believe that I am in need of church tomorrow. It will be incredibly hard to be there for the first time with the kids and doing our normal routine. It makes me want to cry just thinking about it, and I have finally stopped crying for the moment. But, I also need to feel the Spirit of God in the fellowship of other believers. Please do not avoid me and my pain. Please acknowledge my baby girl!!! I need to know you care and you are praying. When I am standing at the train table and look 10,00 miles away, please give me a hug. Don't worry if I have tears constantly streaming down my face, they won't hurt you. They are for the cries in my heart on the outside.

Thank you all for your continued prayers and for continuing to check in on me. Please let me know, especially when I don't see you. Thank you for acknowledging my baby girl and my pain! If I cross your mind, please say a prayer, and if you get a chance drop me a note somehow or give me a call. I am trying to lean on God, but I also need to know you are with me still as I embark on the harder part of this journey. As we get back to our routine a little more as we go, it gets harder.

I don't know if this post even makes sense. I just typed what was on my heart this morning. I love you all!