Here I sit and I don't know what to type. I made it through yesterday and I awakened today. I will make it through today and then go through tomorrow. At night I thank God for getting me through every minute of the day and pray for His blessing over my sleep and dreams. Every morning I awaken and ask God to give me faith and strength for every moment of this new day. I am trying to start getting up before the kids so I can have some real God time before they are up. This doesn't always work out! This morning I got on my knees and got my thanks for the new day out before Eli started fussing. Sorry Father I didn't get up the first time you woke me up!
I have started dreaming after I wake up to go to the bathroom between 4 and 4:30. This morning I dreamed about having to go up this steep high walkway thing to get into a hotel/hospital place. There were other details, but I can't remember completely. The walkway I was on was scary. It had slits in it that I had to be careful not to fall through. I couldn't look through them because I was getting high up. I was doing pretty good walking up, but then it got harder and I had to hold onto the side and pull myself up. After pulling up for a bit, I couldn't go anymore and the walkway began to move up like an escalator and it through me off at the top at the door.
After I woke up, I realized how much that dream is how my life feels right now. There are large cracks/slits on the side of this canyon that I very carefully walk over so I don't fall through, at least I feel like I am trying not to fall through cracks. The side of the canyon is very steep and the top looks very high. There are times when I feel I am climbing up ok, and there are times I am pulling myself up, and then there are the times that I feel I can't make it up anymore and God carries me like an escalator. In reality, God is carrying me the whole time, but there are times when He is cheering me on beside me, times He is up ahead pulling me up as I pull myself up, and there are times He is holding me in His arms and letting me ride on His feet. The difference between my canyon and my dream is that the walkway in the dream always went up, but as I climb the canyon I go up and down and I stall on a little level piece for a rest.
This journey definitely hard and steep. I dreamed the night before last that I was screaming. That is all I can remember, I don't remember anything else about the dream. There are times when I could just scream at the top of my lungs like I did in my dream! I miss Janie Beth so much! In my good moments and hours you will look at me and think nothing is wrong, but when I am still during those times the pain is still there amidst the good times.
Father, help me through this day!! My heart is heavy many times and tears seem to be on the verge most of the time. Thank You for friends coming to play today! May You bless our time together. Thank You for a special little friend that drew me some Wonderful pictures and blessed my heart incredibly!!! You are too good to me! I do not deserve the mercy and grace You pour out on me daily. Thank You!!! May You continue to cheer me on, pull me up, and let me ride on Your feet. I love You! Help me be the wife Joey needs today, and the mother Josiah, Katie Jo, and Eli need. Continue to help me take little steps. Thank You for this new day! May You bless us and keep us. May You make Your face to shine upon us and be gracious to us. May You lift up Your countenance upon us and give us peace. This is Your day. May You be lifted up and glorified. I love Janie Beth so much, Lord. Wrap me in Your love today!! In Jesus' name I pray. Amen.