"And the Lord your God will circumcise your heart and the heart of your descendants, to love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul, that you may live." Deuteronomy 30:6

but grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. To Him be the glory both now and forever. Amen.
2 Peter 3:18

Thursday, January 21, 2010


Here I sit and I don't know what to type. I made it through yesterday and I awakened today. I will make it through today and then go through tomorrow. At night I thank God for getting me through every minute of the day and pray for His blessing over my sleep and dreams. Every morning I awaken and ask God to give me faith and strength for every moment of this new day. I am trying to start getting up before the kids so I can have some real God time before they are up. This doesn't always work out! This morning I got on my knees and got my thanks for the new day out before Eli started fussing. Sorry Father I didn't get up the first time you woke me up!

I have started dreaming after I wake up to go to the bathroom between 4 and 4:30. This morning I dreamed about having to go up this steep high walkway thing to get into a hotel/hospital place. There were other details, but I can't remember completely. The walkway I was on was scary. It had slits in it that I had to be careful not to fall through. I couldn't look through them because I was getting high up. I was doing pretty good walking up, but then it got harder and I had to hold onto the side and pull myself up. After pulling up for a bit, I couldn't go anymore and the walkway began to move up like an escalator and it through me off at the top at the door.

After I woke up, I realized how much that dream is how my life feels right now. There are large cracks/slits on the side of this canyon that I very carefully walk over so I don't fall through, at least I feel like I am trying not to fall through cracks. The side of the canyon is very steep and the top looks very high. There are times when I feel I am climbing up ok, and there are times I am pulling myself up, and then there are the times that I feel I can't make it up anymore and God carries me like an escalator. In reality, God is carrying me the whole time, but there are times when He is cheering me on beside me, times He is up ahead pulling me up as I pull myself up, and there are times He is holding me in His arms and letting me ride on His feet. The difference between my canyon and my dream is that the walkway in the dream always went up, but as I climb the canyon I go up and down and I stall on a little level piece for a rest.

This journey definitely hard and steep. I dreamed the night before last that I was screaming. That is all I can remember, I don't remember anything else about the dream. There are times when I could just scream at the top of my lungs like I did in my dream! I miss Janie Beth so much! In my good moments and hours you will look at me and think nothing is wrong, but when I am still during those times the pain is still there amidst the good times.

Father, help me through this day!! My heart is heavy many times and tears seem to be on the verge most of the time. Thank You for friends coming to play today! May You bless our time together. Thank You for a special little friend that drew me some Wonderful pictures and blessed my heart incredibly!!! You are too good to me! I do not deserve the mercy and grace You pour out on me daily. Thank You!!! May You continue to cheer me on, pull me up, and let me ride on Your feet. I love You! Help me be the wife Joey needs today, and the mother Josiah, Katie Jo, and Eli need. Continue to help me take little steps. Thank You for this new day! May You bless us and keep us. May You make Your face to shine upon us and be gracious to us. May You lift up Your countenance upon us and give us peace. This is Your day. May You be lifted up and glorified. I love Janie Beth so much, Lord. Wrap me in Your love today!! In Jesus' name I pray. Amen.


  1. While I know this is still so incredibly hard, I sense a change in your writings. Have you noticed? You are talking more about walking, taking steps, instead of just crawling. I know this journey is no where close to over (and you will never be "over it"), but it's clear that with His help you are making progress! Still praying!

  2. Michelle,
    I know I don't know you very well but I have been keeping up with your blog and I just want you to know what an inspiration you have been to me. To see the way you have handled the cup God has given you has been amazing. You have walked with such dignity and grace. That truly has been an inspiration to me. I have never had to deal with what you are right now but I know someday I will and my prayer is that I can walk as well as you have been. I think that is the way Janie Beth has touched me. She has taught me to begin praying now for God's strength for whatever circumstance He places in front of me. I continue to pray for you guys daily and know His peace will comfort you!

    Emily Eckley

  3. Hi Michelle. I still try to check your blog quite frequently and pray for you daily. I just sat down tonight and got caught up on posts; I feel compelled to tell you how absolutely *beautiful* your Janie Beth is. The pictures you posted of her and Katie Jo a couple days back were so fun to view. Janie Beth looks like a beautiful baby doll... SO pretty!! You may remember being a part of BabyCenter when we were expecting Josiah and Gwyneth and in the months that followed their births. Do you remember the little Alli (Scott) that was born the same birth month as our December Snowflakes? :) She was diagnosed with childhood cancer at 4 or 5 months and passed away when she was 9 months old. I followed her story closely; it truly touched me and changed my parenting forever. Your Janie Beth has done the same. It is too easy sometimes as a parent to not slow down and appreciate all the ups and downs that come with parenting. I have been accutely aware these last few weeks of both the ups AND downs. One of my favorite lines is Life Is Short - we never know HOW short it will be. I read something recently that talked about the fact that God "loans" us our children. They really aren't OUR children; they are His and he just borrows them to us for a while. I thank God that He shared precious Janie Beth with you, and the world, for 22 blessed hours.

    I will continue to pray that He carries you when you need it, and that He walks alongside you and cheers you on when you walk on your own. Know that you have friends all over the country that are cheering you along too :)

    Tanya Wieler
    (Gwyneth's Mom :)