God is so faithful and gracious. He has shown up in multiple ways today and I keep that to myself! :) First He had something come up this morning that took my mind off leaving the house, so we were able to leave without much ordeal from my emotions. I put some kids cds in the car, and it warmed my heart to hear my precious kiddos sing, especially "Jesus Loves Me". It brought back singing to Janie Beth, but it touched me and the rivers didn't flow. We made it to church, and there was a parking spot open at the front. WOW, that never happens! I didn't want to park where we had all last semester and God answered my prayer. There was a huge hurdle when I walked in the door, but God graciously allowed 2 precious ladies to be there and hold me. Thank you, ladies, and thank You, God, for putting them there! At that moment, I wanted to run and run and maybe I would be able to leave my pain behind. Thankfully, my kids were with me and I had a task before me, so I had to move to the next moment.
God was even gracious enough to have my Bible study in a different room than last time. This is cool when I think about it! We had to change rooms last time to give a different class some more room, and we barely fit in the room we were moved too. My thoughts of Janie Bath being with me were in the other room that had a couch in the back. I don't believe that there is a coincidence in us having to move to a different room last semester! God had a new room waiting for me this semester. He knew what was coming and He was working all things together for my good. Thank You, Father!!!
We introduced ourselves today since it was our first class. Debbie was gracious enough to introduce me and share my story with the new comers. She did great!! She brought one of my old blog entries to share a special part that had touched her. She ended up touching me! If you read my last entry I prayed for God to refocus me, I think. She read from my entry on December 12. I had written about my struggle with God and how I had told Him that I didn't want to walk this road. Then, God said how do you know?? You don't know where this road is going. OUCH! I needed that today! God is working all this for good for me and my family, as well as His glory. It made me excited again to see what God has in store for us and the beautiful flowers He is going to grow in this garden. It filled me with peace. My pain is still very deep and open today, but God's peace is covering it.
This day continues to be hard, but God will keep me in perfect peace if my mind is stayed on Him and if I put my trust in Him, for in Yah, the Lord is everlasting strength (Is 26:3-4). There was a point when I thought my lamb was lost at church, but once again God showed up. Eli had actually carried my lamb into the house from the car, not put it down at church somewhere. He had kindly put it in my bed. I am thankful for people who were willing to drop what they were doing to go look for it! I am thankful for Joey who came home and held me!
I realized another blessing in disguise, or better yet God graciously showed me one of His reasons for surrounding me with pregnant friends. I am not fit to be surrounded by infants right now, so He has surrounded me with pregnant friends. He is easing me into the infant world slowly. All the babies are not coming at the same time and He knows I need to crawl higher out of the canyon. He also knows how hard it will be and He will once again be my strength where I am weak. Each one will get a little easier, I hope, and God will walk with me all the way. It still hurts to find out another one is pregnant. I want to watch my Janie Beth grow up with all their babies, but God sees me fit to walk this journey and He is going to shine His glory so bright!!!
Lord God, please shine some light on my path. Show me where to place my hand on the slippery slope to pull up a little higher. Help to not slip down as far next time I slip. Thank You for showing up in my hard day. Thank You for giving me 22 hours with one of the sweetest little girls in the world. I wish I had spent every moment possible with her. Please help me to forgive myself and not regret any decisions I made. Lord, help me to take a step forward as it feels like I took 10 steps backward today. Thank You for burdening me people to pray on my behalf. Thank You for hugs from friends today. Thank You for an awesome husband who is willing and ready to walk this journey with me. Thank You for the happiness that fills my heart from Josiah, Katie Jo and Eli. Thank You for the ways Janie Beth has touched my life and changed me. Thank You that I have the privilege of loving her and being her mommy forever. I love You!!! Thank You for Your peace in the storm. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen
God was even gracious enough to have my Bible study in a different room than last time. This is cool when I think about it! We had to change rooms last time to give a different class some more room, and we barely fit in the room we were moved too. My thoughts of Janie Bath being with me were in the other room that had a couch in the back. I don't believe that there is a coincidence in us having to move to a different room last semester! God had a new room waiting for me this semester. He knew what was coming and He was working all things together for my good. Thank You, Father!!!
We introduced ourselves today since it was our first class. Debbie was gracious enough to introduce me and share my story with the new comers. She did great!! She brought one of my old blog entries to share a special part that had touched her. She ended up touching me! If you read my last entry I prayed for God to refocus me, I think. She read from my entry on December 12. I had written about my struggle with God and how I had told Him that I didn't want to walk this road. Then, God said how do you know?? You don't know where this road is going. OUCH! I needed that today! God is working all this for good for me and my family, as well as His glory. It made me excited again to see what God has in store for us and the beautiful flowers He is going to grow in this garden. It filled me with peace. My pain is still very deep and open today, but God's peace is covering it.
This day continues to be hard, but God will keep me in perfect peace if my mind is stayed on Him and if I put my trust in Him, for in Yah, the Lord is everlasting strength (Is 26:3-4). There was a point when I thought my lamb was lost at church, but once again God showed up. Eli had actually carried my lamb into the house from the car, not put it down at church somewhere. He had kindly put it in my bed. I am thankful for people who were willing to drop what they were doing to go look for it! I am thankful for Joey who came home and held me!
I realized another blessing in disguise, or better yet God graciously showed me one of His reasons for surrounding me with pregnant friends. I am not fit to be surrounded by infants right now, so He has surrounded me with pregnant friends. He is easing me into the infant world slowly. All the babies are not coming at the same time and He knows I need to crawl higher out of the canyon. He also knows how hard it will be and He will once again be my strength where I am weak. Each one will get a little easier, I hope, and God will walk with me all the way. It still hurts to find out another one is pregnant. I want to watch my Janie Beth grow up with all their babies, but God sees me fit to walk this journey and He is going to shine His glory so bright!!!
Lord God, please shine some light on my path. Show me where to place my hand on the slippery slope to pull up a little higher. Help to not slip down as far next time I slip. Thank You for showing up in my hard day. Thank You for giving me 22 hours with one of the sweetest little girls in the world. I wish I had spent every moment possible with her. Please help me to forgive myself and not regret any decisions I made. Lord, help me to take a step forward as it feels like I took 10 steps backward today. Thank You for burdening me people to pray on my behalf. Thank You for hugs from friends today. Thank You for an awesome husband who is willing and ready to walk this journey with me. Thank You for the happiness that fills my heart from Josiah, Katie Jo and Eli. Thank You for the ways Janie Beth has touched my life and changed me. Thank You that I have the privilege of loving her and being her mommy forever. I love You!!! Thank You for Your peace in the storm. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen
I can't even begin to put into words what Janie Beth means to me and how much she touched my life in those 22 hours of her life. I will never ever forget my baby granddaughter. I so wish I could hold her, hear her call Nana when she sees me and hugs me, but I know she is where she is supposed to be no matter how much it hurts for us here without her. She has brought me closer to God, once again, I tend to forget who is actually the head of my life, it's not me its HIM. I know God has a very special baby with Him and she is a very happy baby being able to be with Him. I miss Janie Beth so very much, it's a hurt I've never experienced before but I am SOOO Glad that we had her for the very short time we did.
ReplyDeleteI Love You Schelle and I am here for You Always.
Mom
Michelle,
ReplyDeleteDon't we have a AWESOME GOD!!!!! He knows & FEELS our pain and is always there to provide us with exactly what we need. Sometimes even before we realize we need it! Honey, I've never lost a child. I can't begin to imagine what you're going through! But you know that I've been through death and it's explainable! But with God's help, I made it. Not before going into the deepest, darkest black hole you can imagine. But I made it!!!!!! One MOMENT at a time. And with the help of our wonderful,awesome God! Michelle, I know that right now that the pain is so great that you feel it will never go away. But it will with time. Just lean on God and those of us who love you so much. We will ALWAYS be here for you,Joey and those precious babies. Just don't rush! Let God lead you through the darkness into light. I love you & am praying for you constantly!
Barbara
Dearest Schelle,
ReplyDeleteI don't have all the words right now because I'm not sure what they are. But, I just want to tell you that you've been in my prayers & my heart. I hurt so much for you. I pray for His peace for you tonight. Love you & will write again later. BIG BIG HUG to YOU! Love, Aunt Sue
Michelle,
ReplyDeleteFirst I want to say, that I love you. I'm in tears reading this last post and trying to express how Janie Beth has touched me. I don't know that I can really express it. She has helped me not take things so much for granted. She has helped me to remember His sovereignty even in situations I don't understand. She has definitely helped me gain a new friend in you. She has helped me to be able to see some purpose in my past painful experience as I've attempted to minister to you and your family. Just today, I finished school and thought, "boy that was so hard". Then, God helped me gain some perspective as he reminded me of you. Considering what you and others are experiencing, my day was not hard. Janie Beth is helping still. I appreciate how willing you are to share your most vulnerable moments. You will look back on these one day and will be able to see how God moved in your life. You will see beauty for these ashes! You will have joy instead of mourning! He will make this beautiful in His time!!! Don't let satan bring up guilt and regret! Use any "I would do different" experiences to His glory by taking note of them and helpign someone else one day when you are ready. I love you and I'm praying!
Jennifer
You are my heart, beloved. We have good days and bad, and yes sometimes the kids will push just the right buttons. But God has allowed us to draw from His strength and discover the wonder of having someone who loves us deeply and without reservation. God gave us a beautiful daughter, even if for just a few hours, and He will give us a beautiful tomorrow. Remember what Dr. Jackson said Sunday morning. "Just above the grey clouds the sun is shinning brightly." God's SON is and will continue to shine brightly for us during this journey.
ReplyDeleteI love you and we will walk together down the path God has chosen for us. You are my beloved and my friend, during the dark days of hurt and joyful days of celebration.
"And the Lord, He is the One who goes before you. He will be with you, He will not leave you or forsake you; do not fear nor be dismayed." (Deut. 31:8)
You will NEVER quite know (or understand) how wonderful your posts and pictures have meant to me. :) Janie Beth is a BEAUTIFUL baby. So VERY peaceful, just as God wanted. The posts remind ME of how blessed I am, to be here. Because doctors told my parents NOTHING about my 'surviving' at birth...it was ALL negative. Now, here we are, 52 years later, and my prayer is, that since those doctors are no longer alive, that MAYBE they are looking down and SEEING for themselves, what a mistake they made, when I was born. God has ALWAYS known what MY "outcome" would be...he is SO VERY prevalent in my life...even now, when I feel so sad, because a good friend of mine just passed away, two weeks ago, and I KNOW (because of what he has told me) that he's NOT in Heaven. But I grieve, because I KNOW that he COULD have listened, and WATCHED me, and how I live, and who I live for. YOU and your family, even when NO ONE is watching, have been such an inspiration to ALL of us. And, Janie Beth...well, her ministry (as crazy as this may sound) will ALWAYS live. She is the one, who God has chosen, through you, to be the one to tell people, that in spite of it all, she was/is a child of His, and that even though she lived (after the life support) for just awhile, God wanted her to tell EVERYONE, that she definitely (as you have said) survived, even for just awhile...and she was a part of someone's family...YOUR family. Again, my prayers are for ALL of you. God WILL give you the strength, and energy that you need to be the BEST mom. And, He will always give BOTH you and your husband the time with your children, and more than likely, they will SEE His work in action. :) Do have a good weekend. Take care,
ReplyDeleteDenise Moore :)
Des Moines, Iowa