The countdown to Christmas has begun. First, we had Josiah's birthday to occupy us, and now Christmas is all that is next on the calendar. I think I have somewhat dreaded this all Christmas season because I know what comes next. We have Katie Jo's birthday, but I believe Janie Beth will be here before that occurs. This journey feels heavy right now. I am ready for January to be over, but I also want to enjoy this time. Most days it is easy to enjoy, but there are days that are just hard because you trudging through the mud. I found the white baby afghan yesterday and the newborn knit hat that Josiah and Katie Jo wore home. I went ahead and got them both out. She is going to look so cute all wrapped up in the blanket. I need to focus on getting to see her and hold her reguardless of what happens. Those times will be precious, and just thinking about them warms my heart and makes me smile. I am going to focus on getting to meet my baby girl instead of the very real possibility that I will have to let her go.
You know, I was just thinking about how I still feel as though someone else is walking this road while I watch, and I realized it is somewhat true. God is walking this road with me and He is carrying me!!! How comforting that is! He is guiding each step I take and looking out for me ever so closely because He understands exactly how I feel. His Son was born and He knew that one day Jesus would have to die an awful death, but, He still carried that baby to term. My heart aches for those women who chose to terminate the pregnancy because they miss out on getting to enjoy the baby while he/she is inside them, and they may even miss out on an awesome miracle.
A friend of mine wrote about how she wished her son was here and she was taking care of a newborn, but that obviously wasn't God's will. And, it is her desire to be in God's will. That has been my prayer for many months, to be in God's will. If it is not God's will for Janie Beth to live, then I don't want her to. Her life would not be blessed if that were the case. Our family wouldn't be blessed either. I am so thankful that God has taken that choice out of our hands. That is one choice I would never ever want to make because my emotions play too big of a role! I know God's will is all for our good even when we can't see the good at the time. Just like planting a seed in Spring; you don't see the flower bud for quite some time, but you still have to take care of it. God is planting seeds and one day we will see the flowers bloom, and all the while He is taking care of us. Thank You, Father for being so close and taking such tender care of us. Right now God is getting the soil all ready for the seed to take root on our journey, and as any gardener knows that is the hardest part about planting. It isn't fun to get the rocks out and the soil turned over, but if that isn't done first, then the seed will not take root and grow. God is getting my soil ready for the seeds He is going to plant on this journey, and He very well may have already planted some seeds. It is my prayer that God will use Janie Beth's journey to further His kingdom and bring Him glory.
I started out this post somewhat heavy and down, but after God revealed that last paragraph to me, my heart is lifted up. The journey ahead still feels a little heavy and looming, but I am not facing this journey alone. I am not even walking it by myself as God is placing my steps.
I am so thankful that tomorrow is Sunday and I get to go to worship. It fills up my tank to get to the next Sunday. :) I am so thankful to have Jesus in my heart because I really can't imagine walking this without Him. Thank you all for your many prayers!!! They mean more than you will ever know.