"JBK", those initials made me sob. I received my care package today from the ministry String of Pearls. As I began to pull out the items, the tears began to come. The ornament to put her handprints on, then the cream for breast pain. The reality that my breast will ache because I may not have her to feed instead of because they are adjusting to her feeding schedule hit me hard. I have nursed all my children, and I love that bonding time. I pulled out the One Year Book of Hope, and then a pretty journal. But, the kicker was a brown book, like a small scrapbook, and on the front were placed the letters "jbk". It took a second for that to sink in. Then, the realization that those are my precious baby girls initials. I lost it. I haven't seen her initials on something yet. She is a real person with real initials. I ran my fingers over the letters and just stared at it. I cannot put into words the emotions that ran through my heart and mind.
The main item I was waiting for was the plaster to make her hand and footprints. I am so thankful that we have it. But, it brought the realization that all of our memories of her will be made in that one day if her miracle comes in Heaven. I looked up online to find some other plaster sets. Seeing all of the different ones online, made me want to do them all. These may be the only thing we have. I want to capture everything about her. I want multiple sculpted hands and feet so that I will make sure to have enough for anything I may want to do with them. I saw one of the mother's hand wrapped around the baby's hand, and I would love to do that. To be able to have a concrete memory. To think that her birthday may be the only day that I get to grasp her hand breaks my heart. To see that scuplture with the mother and baby made me sit mesmorized. How do you capture a lifetime of memories in one day?
I started my lists the Friday. My list of questions for my appointments Monday with my OB and the Neonatal doctor. My list of things for the hospital, for making memories and for myself. The things I want done and the things I want there for Janie Beth. Doing this made me wonder if I should pack a miracle bag. My miracle bag would contain everything that we would need if Janie Beth gets her miracle on earth. I don't know if I could handle having it in the car if her miracle comes in Heaven. How far do you go in preparing? It is such a fine line to walk between hope and preparing for a loss. It tears at your heart.
I will be honest, I have told God multiple times that I don't want to walk this road. But, then I think of the many ways that God has blessed me. How can I be angry with God!?! God is too good to me to be mad at Him. But, I could easily sit on the couch and have a nice self-pity party. And there are times when I do, and then I count my blessings and hear God calling me to find comfort in His Word. I spend a lot of time in the Psalms right now, as well as other books of the Bible God leads me to. He always has just what I need!!! This road may not be the one I want to walk, it is the one God has chosen for me, and with Him by my side I will be able to walk this journey as I Lean on the Everlasting Arms.
Thank you all for the many prayers! They mean so much. It also means so much to me to get emails and calls and to know that others are thinking of us. I appreciate everything you all are doing.